I have been talking with several moms of kids with ADHD and possible ADHD this week. Topics that come up over and over again related to school and life with ADHD kids and teens are getting organized, remembering homework and other items you need each day, planning and prioritizing tasks and homework, and many other things that are related to the executive functions that are housed in the frontal lobe.

You may remember that in previous blogs and seminars, I talk about the fact that we more often than not are treating the symptoms of ADHD as a behavior problem with punitive responses rather than supporting and accommodating the hallmark symptoms of ADHD (hyperactivity, impulsivity, and inattention). Today, I am thinking about why do we keep trying to TEACH those same symptoms? How do you expect to teach greater attention, focus, and organization, when none of those things exist in that particular child’s frontal lobe?

We color-code these kids and binder them. We develop visual checklists, timelines, and graphic organizers. Those of us who are lucky enough to have strong executive function skills love this stuff. We think we can teach these kids to love it, too. It will make their lives (and ours) so much easier. And then, we become disappointed when the binder goes missing, the homework still stays stuffed in the bottom of the backpack, and we’re searching for the missing library book. And we grow more and more frustrated that kids aren’t using the awesome tools that we give them.

I would encourage us to change our thinking and recognize the fact that in these kids their executives are not functioning. They have areas of their brains that are much stronger (creativity, big picture thinking, etc.) that we don’t celebrate enough while we are desperately trying to get those executives to function.

These kids do so much better when we offer support in terms of a substitute frontal lobe. Moms are usually the person who does this job. However, it would be wonderful if there could be a frontal lobe sub in the classroom who reminds everyone to pass in homework or helps a child sort through their desk, locker, or backpack on a daily or weekly basis. We get so caught up in expecting kids “should” be able to do this, particularly middle school kids. The truth is, if they could, they would. If they are not, usually it is because they can’t. Why do ADHD kids suffer the loss of so much self-esteem as students? Because we expect what they cannot yet deliver.

Don’t get me wrong and think that I don’t believe that kids should eventually conquer and internalize strategies that will help them as an adult. The brain goes through another growth spurt in the late teens and early twenties and some of the executives begin to function better. And even in adulthood, people with ADHD may eventually move from needing a substitute front lobe, but still need more of a standby frontal lobe, ready to help if the strategies aren’t working or life and tasks become overwhelming. What I believe, is that we should be there either as a substitute or in standby mode and work through and develop strategies WITH them, not teach a strategy and then expect the child to remember to use it. Yes, you will need to repeat and teach and say things over and over again. That’s part of the substitute job description.

An example of substituting would be wanting your child to clean their room. With an ADHD kid, you will send them off to clean their room and find them hours later with a dirty room and an awesome Lego project they spent the afternoon building. It will go much better if you set aside the time to be a substitute frontal lobe and work with your child to clean the room. “Okay, we got this. First, let’s get the dirty laundry in the hamper, next let’s find any trash, etc.”

An example of a standby process for an ADHD person is when my younger son was in his 20’s and would procrastinate on important phone calls he needed to make. We worked out a strategy that he could do 3-way calls with me and listen in to learn how. His anxiety and lack of follow-through about making calls is now something he has overcome. Both of my ADHD sons know that I am always on standby if they should ever need to access one of my strengths, and I know that they are there if I am ever in need of one of theirs. When you love an ADHD person, you can show them by sharing your frontal lobe.