We have all likely, at one point or another, told our child or children to “be good.”

I think that directive leaves things wide open for interpretation, and for small humans who haven’t had a lot of experience on the planet, is too broad of an expectation.

You will find that your child will do better if you give a clear set of guidelines for the situation or environment that you expect the right choices of behavior.

For example, “When we go to the grocery store today, I expect you to stay by the cart, not to grab things off the shelves, not to pester me for snacks, and to stand quietly in the checkout line.”

There are lots of situations and environments that have different sets of expectations. Libraries, religious services, Grandma’s house, playgrounds, stores, and many more. “Be good” means something different in each one of these. Help your child make the right choices by giving them clear and specific guidelines and expectations.

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Anytime kids play together, there are going to be skirmishes. There is also going to be tattling and times when the grown-ups didn’t see what happened.

A strategy for these moments with kids is to ask if they think what happened was an argument, or, an accident. This is a great way to get kids to practice perspective-taking. Here’s an example that happened just the other day in my 5 to the 7-year-old social group:

Finlay: “Miss Donna, that kid scratched me!”

Me: “That kid’s name is Lucas. Where are you scratched?”

Finlay: “On my lip. He grabbed a train and scratched my lip.”

(Lucas is just looking at both of us and saying nothing.)

Me: Oh, I see. First, do you need some ice?”

Finlay: “No, I’m okay.”

Me: “Okay, good. Lucas, do you want to tell me your side of what happened?”

Finlay: “I was just reaching for a train.”

Me: “Were you guys fighting over the trains?”

Both: “No.”

Me: “So do you both think this was an argument and Lucas wanted to hurt you on purpose, or just an accident?”

Both: “It was just an accident.”

(And, they continued to play trains together.”

So many times, this is the case behind a tattle. It can be very easy to turn an accident into an argument. This one small question can help kids think things through, hear the other person’s side, and realize that much of the time, it’s accidents that happen.

If you find yourself repeatedly dealing with or disciplining the same behaviors with your child, you are caught in a circle.

Behaviors are the outcome, not the source of a problem.

I would encourage you to ask yourself these two questions when you are struggling in a situation with your child.

Am I currently addressing a behavior (action or outcome) or the problem to be solved (cause or source)? and, what is my child having difficulty doing at this moment?

This is a non-exhaustive list of difficulties that children may have:

Difficulty getting ready in the morning or at bedtime.
Difficulty with other transitions such as coming indoors from playing outside.
Difficulty listening or following directions.
Difficulty playing safely or nicely.
Difficulty staying out of sibling’s belongings or bedroom.
Difficulty following the rules.
Difficulty focusing.
Difficulty managing emotions.
Difficulty being flexible or seeing another point of view.
Difficulty sharing space.
And the list goes on.

When you communicate with your child about the difficulty they are having, rather than the behavior they are demonstrating, you should see a marked difference in their response to you.

“I see you are having difficulty getting your teeth brushed. What can we do about that?”

“It seems difficult for you to follow the rules at the pool today. Let work together on that, or we just might need to stop for today and try to practice this again next time.”

“Keeping your hands to yourself is hard right now. Let’s take a break and find some extra space and something your hands can use to get that energy out.”

Yes, kids can misbehave on purpose, and that is where consequences that fit the behavior choice would apply. However, the consequence would work and the behavior should stop.

With underlying difficulties that mimic behavior, we need to be more compassionate in our approach. Let’s support kids by letting them know we realize that they are having difficulty with something, and work together on better ways to manage whatever the source of the problem may be.

I’m sure some of us have been there. We take our children somewhere that we know they are going to love or sign them up for a sport or activity, only to have them experience an anxiety freeze and miss out on an opportunity that was sure to be fun.

A strategy that has been successful in supporting kids in breaking through their block of trying something new is to put a time parameter around a trial.

I remember working with a 3rd-grade girl in a social group, who, as much as we could clearly see wanted to join in an energetic game, but just could not move her feet to do so. I said to her, “You know, it only takes 20 seconds of courage to try something. Anyone can be brave for 20 seconds, right? It’s not that long. I’ll even join too. So we did, and in less than 20 seconds, she was fully immersed in the fun.

Another time trick is to suggest that your child *try one new thing, one time, for one minute* and then, if they decide the activity isn’t for them, they at least now can make a better-informed decision.
I’ve had kids come back and tell me they used their 20 seconds of bravery at swim lessons, skiing, horseback riding, attending a party, or joining a group of kids at recess.

When we put a time parameter into play around trying something new, we’ve given a child a greater feeling of control. When you feel more in control of a situation, it becomes less-anxiety provoking.
How will you use 20 seconds of bravery today?

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Auntie Ying is not hard of hearing. She is hard of listening is a quote that jumped out as I was recently reading The Joy Luck Club. This is so true in many different circumstances, but I am thinking about it today in terms of how and why kids can be hard of listening.

I hear from parents and teachers that kids are ignoring what they are being told. If a child has ADHD, there is a good likelihood that rather than purposely ignoring us, they are so caught up in all the activity going on in their brain, that our voice is just one of the many items that are trying to capture their attention. In order to help an ADHD child listen, you first must capture their brain.

I do this by actually asking them for their brain, by saying, “I need your brain to focus on my words” or, “I need my words to be the most important thing in your brain right now.” Usually, this will get their eyes on me and ears better tuned in to listen. Certainly, all kids are capable of ignoring us, especially when we are asking them to do something they don’t want to do, but we shouldn’t jump to that conclusion, especially with kids who have attention difficulties.

It is also more beneficial to go TO the child to communicate something than to talk to them from across the room, from a different room, or at the bottom of the stairs.

And, it can also help to ensure a child has processed what you have told them by asking them to repeat it back to you.

Speaking of processing, there is something that can be a factor and be overlooked as we don’t hear much about it. Central Auditory Processing Disorder.

From ADDitude magazine: Central Auditory Processing Disorder is a learning disability that impacts the brain’s ability to filter and interpret sounds. Children with CAPD have a hard time receiving, organizing, and using auditory information. They’re able to hear but fall short at listening. (Click here for the entire article.)

It could very well be that kids are hearing us, but struggling with being able to listen to us for different reasons. Before we assume that we are being ignored, let’s make sure that kids are able to hear us, or figure out why they can’t.

When I was a kid, the neighborhood kids would play Manhunt out at our old elementary school in the surrounding little forest, chasing, capturing, and keeping each other prisoner. Not a grown-up was in sight.

Our outdoor play space for social groups is full of trees, dirt, sticks, and on rainy days, mud. We run, we climb, we play King of the Hill, and we give piggyback rides. Sticks? Well, those make awesome lightsabers and with a little duct tape, some pretty decent spears for when you have to march an opponent that you captured to the fort. Rough play is not only fun, it is necessary for kids to really understand boundaries, limits, create an inner sense of self and control, and spark the imagination.
Of course, we also get bonked (more than once, I have been bonked myself). Having fun will include bumps and bruises.

There are kids who have been kept from roughhousing because they are big, don’t know their own power, or can’t tell when enough is enough. The thing is, these kids crave and need this kind of play the most. So we stand with them, as they have their lightsabers or swords in hand, Mr. Miyagi-like, and coach them on HOW to do this. We only pretend and do not make actual contact, we never go for the head, and we respond immediately if someone says enough, or stop (or vice versa, learn to say stop when you’ve had enough). We watch for signs that it isn’t fun anymore, irritation, red faces, arguments, and then take a break.

Six boys on top of the dirt pile, are successfully navigating King of the Hill after lots of coaching and practice. The proprioceptive input of crashing, pushing, wrestling, and rolling around together can’t be replicated any other way. They play like puppies, and the laughter is loud and the joy is tangible.
Interested in finding out more about why roughhousing is good for kids? Here’s a great article about it.

One of the quickest ways to redirect a child’s behavior is to make sure that you label the action you want the child to change, not the child as a person.

We can do this by monitoring our language. Instead of using the word *you* which immediately makes a child defensive (and who wouldn’t be, as they are being labeled as a person), we can shift to the use of *that* or *this.*

Here are a few examples.

“You are such a whiner.” Instead: That’s whining. As soon as it stops, I will listen.”
“Don’t be a pest.” Instead: “This is called pestering, and it will not get you what you want.”

“You are being rude and disrespectful. Instead: “That sounded rude and disrespectful. I don’t allow people to speak to me that way. I’ll wait to continue this conversation for when we are both calmer.”

“You are being a bad boy (girl, etc.)” Instead: This choice that you are making right now is unacceptable. If it doesn’t change to an acceptable choice, there will be a consequence.”

This particular coaching tip is as simple as it sounds. Describe the action of the behavior, not the child. Every child is capable of making good choices or not-so-good choices. When we label the child instead of the choice, we are not only sending a powerful negative message to a child about who they are as a person, we are not reaching the goal of helping a child recognize and change their choice.

What should recess aides do? Here’s a job description from a Google search:

Supervise students and maintain a cooperative atmosphere during recess.
Circulate among students and attempt to resolve minor problems as they arise.
Assist in organizing various play activities and games as provided by building administration and/or PE teachers. Supervise the dismissal of students from the playground.

A great percentage of the problems that kids coming to my social groups have been out at recess.

An elementary school boy is taunted day after day for being “infected” as kids run away screaming and he goes home crying every afternoon. Why is this happening?

A 5th grader who is a provocative victim (looks like a bully, but isn’t) and who has a 1:1 support person at recess is constantly in trouble for acts of aggression on the playground. How can this happen if there is 1:1 support?

A group of mean girls repetitively targets and excludes another girl who just wants to play with them. When she hides behind the school, sobbing, she is the one in trouble for leaving the playground. Why are these girls getting away with this?

I think there are many reasons. We may think that kids need to work it out for themselves. We may believe a child is a tattle-tale. We say the child is sneaky and does things when no one is looking and we can’t prove it happened.

I think an important question is ARE we looking? Working with kids is really hard, and I don’t minimize the difficulty of keeping an eye on everyone at all times. I also know many recess aides that do an INCREDIBLE job with kids. You know who you are and I am grateful the children have you out there.

I also have observed recesses where the adults are in a clump with each other (a natural human instinct) and may miss what is going on or realize an intervention is needed when it is too late. I have given professional development workshops for recess staff and been completely ignored and listened to other social plans being made while I was speaking.

Adults are the MOST important people on the playground. And more than that, we have so many wonderful opportunities to guide children and teach them how to resolve conflict, give kids they aren’t getting along with space, prevent meanness before it mushrooms, and teach kids (borrowing this phrase from a friend) to be good social citizens.

Certainly, if all is going well, the adults here in my group will sometimes chat with each other. If you were here, you would notice we are all face forward, watching the kids at the same time, with our social radars up to intervene early, and ready to leave the conversation at a moment’s notice to support a situation, or listen to what a child needs from us.

Children are not born with social skills. We are such vital role models, those of us work with them on the day-to-day. If we circulate instead of clump, we will not miss those opportunities to do all the incredible things we are perfectly positioned to do.

Kids with behavioral symptoms (impulsiveness, lack of ability to self-modulate, and forgetfulness just to name a few) are kids who are being constantly corrected.

They hear their name over and over again, usually tied to a complaint about something that they are doing or not doing. Their room is a mess. They forget their homework. They pushed to the front of the line. They won’t stop tormenting the dog.

Who wants to hear complaints about themselves all day long? Absolutely no one that I can think of. What if we tried turning those complaints into compliments?

“I noticed that you picked up all your dirty laundry and put it in the basket, nice work!”

“Everyone forgets stuff. I like how you owned up to the missing homework and you can bring it tomorrow.”

“Thanks for waiting so patiently in this long line.”

“I can see the dog is happy that you are playing fetch so nicely with him.”

To quote author Ken Blanchard, we should “catch them doing something right.” The way we speak to children really does make ALL the difference.

We talk a lot about positive reinforcement, and our words can be the most powerful reinforcer of them all. Our words can also be a negative reinforcer and along with that comes, yup, more negative actions on the part of the child.

Certainly, there are times when we need to correct and re-direct. It’s my belief that compliments should outnumber corrections at least 5:1.

Taking that a step further, if you hear your child (or yourself even) saying something negative about themselves as a person, I would encourage them to now say three-five positive affirmations as a form of self-care.

Compliments are a gift to the receiver. Let your child catch a compliment rather than a complaint, multiple ones a day.

As a parent of a child who may be experiencing social difficulties, you have probably heard your child say “no one will play with me.”

In many instances, this translates into “no one will play what I want to play.” Some kids have difficulty in adapting their own plan to fit with other ideas, may not enjoy the activities that most of the other kids on the playground are playing, or lack the flexibility to shelve their idea and join in with what other kids are playing.

It helps to explain the options to the child who thinks no one will play with them. They could experiment with trying different activities at recess with different groups of kids. They could look for someone else who might be playing alone and invite that child to play. They could certainly continue playing what they want to play, but need to understand that they are making the choice to play alone if no one else is interested at the time. As much as we would like to, we can’t force other people to do what we want them to, and we can’t wish them to, either.

You can coach your child at home to develop what I call a people plan for recess time. This is thinking about whom you want to play with, several ideas for what you might decide to play together, and a Plan B and even Plan C if it doesn’t work out the way you hoped. I find that kids who get turned down for play frequently don’t know the next steps are to try again with someone else, or when your own plan doesn’t seem to be working out, to give someone else’s idea a fair try.