Understanding social humor is an important friendship skill that doesn’t always come naturally to kids. Making someone laugh can be a wonderful way to connect, but knowing when, where, and with whom certain kinds of humor are appropriate requires a little more social judgment.

Something that gets a big laugh from a friend might earn a very different reaction from a teacher. And for some children, that distinction can be surprisingly difficult to recognize.

The Joke Didn’t Change. The Audience Did.

Imagine a middle school student who draws something a little inappropriate and shows it to a friend. The friend bursts out laughing. Success! The drawing is funny!

So, naturally, the student decides to share it with his teacher.

Except this time, instead of laughter, he gets a disapproving look and possibly a consequence.

What happened?

The drawing didn’t change. The audience did.

For some kids, understanding why the same joke gets different reactions from different people is a social skill that needs to be taught.

They aren’t necessarily trying to be disrespectful or disruptive. They may genuinely believe that if something made one person laugh, it should make everyone laugh.

But humor isn’t one-size-fits-all.

Understanding Social Humor: Who, Where, and When?

One way to help kids develop better social judgment is to teach them to consider three things before sharing a joke, making a comment, or doing something they think is hilarious.

👥 WHO is my audience?

Am I talking to a close friend, a teacher, a classmate, or someone I barely know?

Different relationships come with different expectations. Something that might be funny between close friends could be embarrassing, confusing, or inappropriate when shared with someone else.

📍 WHERE am I?

Am I on the playground, in the classroom, at a friend’s house, or somewhere public?

The setting matters. A silly comment that gets a laugh during recess might be disruptive during a classroom lesson.

⏰ WHEN is this happening?

Is everyone relaxed and having fun, or is someone trying to teach, work, or have a serious conversation?

Timing can make all the difference between a joke that builds connection and one that creates frustration.

Just Because Someone Laughs Doesn’t Mean It’s Appropriate

Here’s another layer of understanding social humor that can be tricky for kids.

Sometimes people laugh because something is genuinely funny. Other times, they laugh because they’re surprised, uncomfortable, embarrassed, or unsure how to respond.

And something that was funny the first time might not be funny the fifth time!

Helping children recognize these differences builds their ability to read social situations and consider how other people might be experiencing the same moment.

It’s not about expecting kids to get every social interaction right. It’s about helping them notice when something isn’t landing the way they intended.

Don’t Squash the Funny. Coach the Judgment.

When a child’s humor misses the mark, adults often respond with, “That’s inappropriate!” or “Stop being silly!”

But those responses don’t necessarily teach the child why the humor didn’t fit the situation.

Instead, try asking questions that help them think socially.

“Your friends might think that’s hilarious, but do you think your teacher would feel the same way?”

“That might have been funny at recess. What made this a different situation?”

“How could you tell whether the other person was enjoying the joke?”

These conversations are especially helpful when they happen close to the actual moment, while the experience is still fresh.

The goal isn’t to embarrass or scold the child. It’s to help them build the judgment they’ll need the next time a similar situation comes along.

Helping Kids Be Themselves While Making Room for Others

A sense of humor is a wonderful thing. It brings people together, lightens difficult moments, and helps friendships grow.

We don’t want children to lose their silliness, creativity, or unique personalities.

We want to help them recognize that different people and situations call for different choices.

You don’t have to stop being funny. You have to learn where your funny fits.

After all, growing socially isn’t about becoming someone different. It’s about learning how to be yourself while making room for others.

Looking for More Support?

Social skills are often built through small, everyday interactions like these. Children may need help learning how to ask, wait, handle an answer they don’t like, read another person’s reaction, or figure out what to do next.

At the Peter Pan Center, I use real-time social coaching to help children practice these skills while they’re actually interacting with other people.

You can learn more about our Weekly Social Coaching Programs or browse the Peter Pan Coaching Library for practical resources you can use with the kids in your life.

My newest parent guide, Why Can’t My Child Make Friends?, also takes a practical look at the skills and challenges that can get in the way when friendships don’t come easily.

And if you’d like more real-life coaching observations and strategies like this one, you can join the Social Coaching Scoop email list for a new Scoop each week.

Sometimes kids know exactly what they’re supposed to say, but asking means waiting for the answer—and that second part can be surprisingly easy to miss.

“Can I use this?”

It sounds like a perfectly appropriate question. Except sometimes, by the time the child finishes asking it, the item is already in their hand and they’re walking away with it.

That’s when I remind kids of something simple but important: asking means waiting for the answer.

I see versions of this all the time.

“Can I have a turn?” — while reaching for the toy.

“Can I sit here?” — while already squeezing into the space.

“Can we play something else?” — while starting to change the game.

The child has learned to ask, which is great. But there’s an important little step that can easily get missed.

Teach Kids to ASK → WAIT → ACCEPT

I teach kids a simple three-step sequence:

ASK: Use your words to make the request.

WAIT: Pause. Keep your hands and body where they are and give the other person a chance to respond.

ACCEPT: Listen to the answer you are given — even when it isn’t the answer you hoped for.

We often spend a lot of time teaching children the first part. We remind them to ask before taking something, ask before joining an activity, or ask before changing what other kids are doing.

But asking the question isn’t enough.

Why Waiting for the Answer Matters

If I ask you a question while I’m already doing what I want to do, I haven’t really given you a choice.

I’ve announced my plan and put a question mark at the end of it.

That’s why the WAIT in ASK → WAIT → ACCEPT matters so much.

Waiting communicates something important:

Your answer matters to me.

That tiny pause gives the other person a genuine opportunity to respond. It also helps prevent many of the conflicts that happen when one child feels another child has grabbed something, taken over, crowded them, or ignored what they wanted.

Asking Means Waiting for the Answer — Even When It Might Be No

There’s another reason this skill can be tricky.

Sometimes kids don’t wait because they already know there’s a chance the answer won’t be the one they want.

Waiting means leaving room for:

“No.”

“Not yet.”

“I’m still using it.”

“I don’t want to play that.”

And accepting an answer we don’t like is a separate social skill in itself.

A child can be disappointed. They can wish the answer had been different. They may even appropriately ask again later.

But another person having the opportunity to say no is part of what makes a request a request.

How to Coach the Pause

If you notice a child asking while simultaneously taking action, you don’t necessarily need a long explanation.

Try simply saying:

“You asked. Now wait for the answer.”

You might also remind them to keep their hands or body where they are until the other person responds.

Then give them a chance to practice.

The goal isn’t to turn every interaction into a social skills lesson. With enough repetition, that tiny pause can become part of how a child naturally communicates with other people.

ASK → WAIT → ACCEPT.

Three little steps that can make a surprisingly big difference.

Looking for More Support?

Social skills are often built through small, everyday interactions like these. Children may need help learning how to ask, wait, handle an answer they don’t like, read another person’s reaction, or figure out what to do next.

At the Peter Pan Center, I use real-time social coaching to help children practice these skills while they’re actually interacting with other people.

You can learn more about our Weekly Social Coaching Programs or browse the Peter Pan Coaching Library for practical resources you can use with the kids in your life.

My newest parent guide, Why Can’t My Child Make Friends?, also takes a practical look at the skills and challenges that can get in the way when friendships don’t come easily.

And if you’d like more real-life coaching observations and strategies like this one, you can join the Social Coaching Scoop email list for a new Scoop each week.

Last Thursday was the last day of our summer program, and it reminded me that growth shows up differently for every child. After seven weeks of games, conversations, compromises, frustrations, do-overs, problem-solving, and plenty of opportunities to practice social skills in real time, there was a lot to look back on.

Growth Doesn’t Always Look the Same

Some kids grew in ways that were easy to see.

Some made small changes that probably wouldn’t look like much to someone who hadn’t been watching closely.

Some seemed to spend weeks listening, watching, and taking things in before we saw much change at all.

And then there were the kids who apparently decided that the last 30 minutes of the entire summer program would be an excellent time to demonstrate the thing we’d been working on all summer.

Sigh.

But also… there it was.

Sometimes Growth Shows Up Later Than We Expect

I think adults sometimes expect growth to follow a reasonable timeline. We teach something. We practice it. We remind. We coach. And naturally, we’d like to see evidence that it’s working.

Kids don’t always follow along with that schedule.

A child may hear the same coaching message ten times without appearing to use it — and then, on the eleventh opportunity, something clicks.

Another child may understand exactly what we’re teaching but not be ready to try it yet.

And sometimes a child essentially tells us, through words or actions, “Um… not for me.”

That’s part of growth, too.

Our Job Is to Keep Creating Opportunities

Our job isn’t to force every lesson to take root on our timetable. It’s to keep creating opportunities to practice, notice, try again, and experience what happens when children make a different choice.

That can be difficult when we’ve been working on the same skill for what feels like forever.

But learning and demonstrating aren’t always happening at the same time. A child can be listening, noticing, thinking, and storing away information long before we’re able to see them put it into practice.

Because sometimes the lesson we think isn’t getting through is still being stored away.

And sometimes, just when we’re ready to pack everything up for the summer…

there it is.

A Social Coaching Tip for Parents and Educators

When you’ve been working on a skill and aren’t seeing much progress, try not to measure learning only by how quickly a child demonstrates it.

Keep the language clear and simple. Keep the opportunities coming. And notice the small moments.

When growth shows up, it may not look dramatic. It might be one different choice, one interaction handled a little better, or one moment when a child finally uses something you’ve been talking about for weeks.

Those moments count.

Even when they happen in the last 30 minutes.

Looking for More Support?

If you’re seeing this pattern and want support, this is exactly the kind of real-time coaching we focus on in our social groups at the Peter Pan Center in Boxborough MA.

I also create printable tools, books, and workbooks designed to help kids practice these skills in everyday interactions.

Want more practical social coaching ideas?

I share a new Social Coaching Scoop each week with real-life coaching observations, simple strategies, resources, and ideas you can use with the kids in your life.

👉 Join the Social Coaching Scoop email list

Time to Uninstall the Whining Feature

If you’re wondering how to help stop the whining, sometimes a little humor works better than another reminder to “stop whining.” Some of my best coaching language comes out before I’ve had time to think about it.

After listening to it for a bit, I finally said:

“I think it’s time to uninstall this whining feature.”

Without missing a beat, she looked straight at me and said:

“I have a complicated password.”

Well. Apparently this particular feature wasn’t going down without a fight. 😂

But underneath the laugh was an important social coaching moment.

Whining Is a Behavior, Not an Identity

One of the principles behind the way I coach children is separating the problem from the person.

A child who whines isn’t a whiner.

A child who interrupts isn’t rude.

A child who struggles with patience isn’t impatient.

These are behaviors and skills we can work on—not definitions of who a child is.

Whining can become a habit. Kids sometimes get so used to using that particular voice when they’re frustrated, disappointed, tired, or asking for something that they don’t even notice they’re doing it anymore.

Simply saying, “Stop whining,” may stop the behavior for a moment, but it doesn’t necessarily teach a child what to do instead.

How to Help Stop the Whining: Give Kids Something to Do Instead

When we think about how to help stop the whining, the goal shouldn’t be simply to make it disappear. We can help kids notice when that “feature” has turned itself on and practice switching to something more useful.

Try simple coaching language such as:

“Try that again in your regular voice.”

“Tell me what you need.”

“You can be disappointed and still use your regular voice.”

That last one is important.

The goal isn’t to teach kids that they aren’t allowed to complain, be frustrated, or dislike what we’re asking them to do.

Sometimes things are annoying. Sometimes kids are disappointed. Sometimes they really don’t want to do what we’re asking.

They can tell us that.

We’re helping them learn that how they communicate those feelings affects how other people respond to them.

A Little Humor Can Help

Correcting behavior doesn’t always have to become a serious conversation.

Sometimes playful language gives a child enough distance from the behavior to notice it without feeling criticized.

The child isn’t the problem.

It’s just a feature that may need a little work.

And apparently, occasionally, a complicated password. 💚

Looking for More Support?

If you’re seeing this pattern and want support, this is exactly the kind of real-time coaching we focus on in our social groups at the Peter Pan Center in Boxborough MA.

I also create printable tools, books, and workbooks designed to help kids practice these skills in everyday interactions.

Some social coaching phrases are carefully planned. Others — like ‘Download Your Patience App’ — arrive out of nowhere and somehow work like magic.

This past week, I was helping one child when another kept interrupting over and over again.

“Miss Donna!”
“Miss Donna!”
“Miss Donna!”

I could see the thought felt urgent to him. He wasn’t trying to be rude. He simply wanted my attention immediately — a challenge many kids struggle with, especially in fast-moving social environments.

So I looked at him and said:

“I need you to download your patience app, put it on your brain’s home screen, and tap it.”

And… by golly… he did.

He laughed.

He paused.

He waited.

Why the “Patience App” Worked

And I realized something important: today’s kids understand apps, icons, home screens, and notifications instinctively. Sometimes social coaching clicks faster when we borrow the language kids already live in.

For many children, patience feels abstract. “Wait your turn” can sound vague or frustrating in the heat of the moment. But giving kids a playful mental picture — a patience app they can “open” in their brain — makes self-regulation feel concrete and doable.

That small pause is actually a big skill.

Download Your Patience App: A Playful Self-Regulation Strategy

It’s the ability to:

• hold a thought without blurting,
• tolerate waiting,
• recognize that someone else is talking,
• and trust that their turn is coming.

Those are real social muscles — and like any muscles, they strengthen with practice.

Coaching Tip for Parents and Educators

When kids struggle with interrupting or waiting, playful visual language can sometimes work better than correction. Creative cues help children pause without feeling shamed, corrected, or “in trouble.”

Sometimes the right phrase doesn’t just stop a behavior.

Sometimes it gives a child a tool they can actually carry with them.

Looking for More Support?

If you’re seeing this pattern and want support, this is exactly the kind of real-time coaching we focus on in our social groups at the Peter Pan Center in Boxborough MA.

I also create printable tools, books, and workbooks designed to help kids practice these skills in everyday interactions.

👉 Download the “Download Your Patience App” printable here.

A funny thing happens during board games with kids when the line between strategically vs. revengefully starts to blur. Everyone starts out smiling… until somebody gets sent home in Sorry.

Suddenly the room changes.

“That’s SO MEAN!”
“You only did that because I got YOU!”
“You’re targeting me!”

And honestly? Sometimes they’re right.

The Difference Between Strategic Play and Revenge Play

One of the social concepts we work on here is the difference between playing strategically and playing revengefully.

Because there’s a big difference between:

• “I made this move because it helps my game, AND
• “I made this move because I wanted to upset you.”

Kids often assume any frustrating move is automatically personal. But sometimes a move really is just the most strategic option on the board.

A Simple Coaching Question That Changes the Tone

Instead of immediately stepping in as the referee, I’ll often pause the game and ask the group:

“What’s the most strategic move here?”

And something interesting happens.

The emotional temperature in the room usually drops.

The players start thinking instead of reacting.

They begin looking at the whole board.

They explain their reasoning.

And very often, the group agrees on the same move.

That shift matters.

Strategically vs. Revengefully: Teaching Kids Good Sportsmanship

Board games are supposed to be social and fun — not a duel to the death fought with tiny plastic pawns. 😊

Just because a move is allowed doesn’t always mean it’s socially wise. Kids can technically follow the rules while still creating tension, embarrassment, or hurt feelings around the table.

That’s where the real coaching comes in.

We talk about:

• how to stay competitive without making the game feel personal,
• how to think about the experience of the other players,
• and how to win — or lose — in a way that still makes people want to play another round.

Why Board Games Are Such Powerful Social Learning Tools

Honestly, board games are one of the safest places to practice these skills.

They teach:

• flexibility,
• emotional regulation,
• perspective-taking,
• and sportsmanship.

They also help kids learn how to handle disappointment without turning the whole thing upside down.

Sometimes the real winner of the game is simply the player everyone still wants to play with afterward.

Looking for More Support?

If you’re seeing this pattern and want support, this is exactly the kind of real-time coaching we focus on in our social groups at the Peter Pan Center in Boxborough MA.

I also create printable tools, books, and workbooks designed to help kids practice these skills in everyday interactions.

👉 Download the “Strategically vs. Revengefully” printable here.

If your child takes over play with other kids, you’re not alone. This is one of the most common—and most misunderstood—social challenges I see in group settings. It doesn’t always look like a struggle at first. In fact, it can look like confidence, leadership, and big ideas. But over time, it can quietly impact friendships.

There’s a version of social struggle that doesn’t always look like a struggle.

It can look like leadership.
Confidence.
Big personality.

But underneath it… it’s something else.

Recently in group, a child had a great idea for a game.

He explained it.
Set it up.
Assigned roles.

And then… kept going.

Correcting.
Directing.
Overriding.

At first, the other kids followed along.

But slowly, you could feel it shift.

Less talking.
Less engagement.
A few glances at each other.

And then… kids started to peel away.

Not because they didn’t like him.

Because there wasn’t room for them.

That’s the part that’s hard for kids to see.

They’re not trying to be controlling.

They’re trying to:

• keep the game going
• make it fun
• do it “right”

But in the process…
they take over the very thing they’re trying to build.

So we paused the game.

Not to correct him.

But to coach the shift.

We tried:

“What if someone else has an idea?”
“Can you let them change the game a little?”
“Try saying: ‘What do you want to do?’”

And here’s the interesting part:

He didn’t resist.

He just… didn’t know.

Because flexibility in play isn’t automatic.

It’s a skill.

How to Help a Child Who Takes Over Play

If your child tends to take over during play, shifting the language at home can make a big difference.

Instead of:
“Don’t be bossy”

Try coaching:

• “Leave space for other ideas”
• “Let the game change a little”
• “Ask before deciding”

These are concrete, teachable moves that help kids stay in interaction instead of losing it.

Why This Matters for Friendships

Sometimes the child who struggles socially…

is the one who looks the most confident in the room.

The one with the ideas.
The energy.
The plan.

But friendships don’t grow from control.

They grow from shared space.

And that’s something we can teach.

If you’re seeing this pattern and want support, this is exactly the kind of real-time coaching we focus on in our social groups in Boxborough MA.

You can also explore my books and workbooks designed to help kids practice these skills in everyday interactions.

Some children seem young for their age socially, especially when it comes to navigating friendships and group play.

They may struggle to keep up with peers, miss social cues, or prefer play that feels more typical of younger children.

This doesn’t mean something is wrong — but it does mean they may need more time, support, and the right kind of practice.

Why Some Children Seem Young for Their Age Socially

You’re not imagining it — for many children, that feeling comes from a very real developmental difference.

Children who come for social coaching often act in ways that make them appear younger than their same-age peers. At the same time, many of these children are intellectually advanced, cognitively strong, and genuinely bright.

Some children need more support with the timing and flexibility of social interaction, which is common in attention and regulation differences.

When a child seems young for their age socially, it can affect how they join and stay in play with peers. For some children, this pattern overlaps with attention and regulation differences, including ADHD. You can read more about that here →

So what’s going on?

Often, there is a gap between social-emotional development and cognitive development. One helpful way to think about this gap is as roughly one-third — not as a precise measurement, but as a useful lens.

If you mentally subtract about one-third of a child’s chronological age, you may land closer to their current social-emotional developmental stage.

What This Can Look Like in Everyday Play

You might notice your child:

• struggles to join in
• plays “younger” than peers
• misses social cues
• gets left out or frustrated

A challenge for these children is that adult expectations are usually based on chronological age, not developmental age — especially when a child is bright or gifted in other areas.

When expectations consistently exceed a child’s developmental capacity, self-esteem can take a hit. Over time, this can look like giving up, shutting down, or acting out.

This doesn’t mean children never meet higher expectations. It means that when they struggle, it can be helpful to pause and ask: Am I responding to their chronological age or their developmental age right now?

Adjusting expectations up or down as needed can make a meaningful difference.

How do you close the gap? Through patient coaching, explicit skill-building, and — in some cases — medical support. Growth happens gradually, and support matters.

As the mom of a 36-year-old with ADHD who still needs about the same level of support as many young adults graduating college, I’ve come to believe that some people may always be a little young for their age. I joke — with some seriousness — that by the time he’s 45, we’ll be in great shape, as he’ll be developmentally 30.

Keep this “one-third” lens in mind when your child prefers younger playmates or engages in younger activities. There is often creativity, curiosity, and sensitivity there worth protecting.

And honestly — who doesn’t wish their children could stay younger just a little longer? It keeps us young, too.

Children often benefit from real-time support in small groups where they can practice joining in, staying with play, and trying again.

Many years ago — long before I truly understood sensory needs, predictability, or how deeply small comforts can matter to a child — we had what has gone down in family history as The Thanksgiving Ketchup Debacle.

We were at Nana’s house. The table was full. The food was hot. The relatives were gathered.

And my older son… needed ketchup for his meal.

Not preferred. Not wanted.

Needed.

But Nana didn’t have any. I shrugged it off. “It’s fine,” I said. “It’s just ketchup.” Except—of course—it wasn’t “just ketchup” to him.

The meal was derailed, the day was hard, and do you know what? He still brings it up from time to time. Not in a blaming way, but in that “Hey Mom, remember when no one listened to what I actually needed?” kind of way. And honestly… he wasn’t wrong.

Looking back, it would have taken me five minutes to pop over to a neighbor’s house, run to a convenience store, or (imagine this!) simply toss a bottle into my bag before we left the house.

I didn’t know then what I know now:

🟡 Kids don’t always have the words to explain why something matters.

🟡 Predictability and comfort items aren’t “extras”—they’re anchors.

🟡 And when we minimize something that feels big to them, they feel minimized too.

But now?

If I could rewind that Thanksgiving, you better believe I’d show up with the ketchup. And maybe a backup bottle, just in case.

🧭 Coaching Tip:

As we head into the holidays, take a moment to check in with your child about the little things that help them feel okay in unfamiliar settings:

• “Is there anything special you want to bring for the meal?”

• “What would make the day feel easier for you?”

• “Are there foods/sensory items/comforts we should pack just in case?”

What feels tiny to us might be the one thing that keeps their day on track.

And if you forget something?

Well… learn from me and ask a neighbor. They probably have ketchup.

Some of my best social coaching phrases arrive right in the moment — unscripted, but spot-on. This past week, I found myself saying something I hadn’t quite put into words before… and it clicked.

A few boys were playing with trains on the floor when one of them began screeching — loud and repetitive. One of our junior coaches covered his ears and exclaimed, “My ears!”

But the screeching didn’t stop.

That’s when the words popped out of my mouth: “When Andrew says ‘My ears,’ those are social code words for ‘Please stop screeching’ or ‘Lower your voice.’”

It worked like a charm. The screeching stopped, and play continued.

And I realized something: this idea of “social code words” is a powerful concept to coach. Kids often miss indirect cues unless we help them translate what those cues really mean.

🧭 Coaching Tip: Social shorthand can be confusing for kids. Phrases like “My ears!” or “That’s annoying!” aren’t always interpreted as requests for change. Teaching kids to recognize the code behind the comment builds their ability to respond empathetically and appropriately in the moment.