A parent recently asked me that question.

It is no secret that I am involved in the work that I do, and have a passion for helping children because my own two sons grew up in a time when we failed to understand so many things about struggling kids. And in many ways, they are still paying the price of that in their adulthood.

When the parent asked me, “what is the one thing you would have made sure to have done differently?” I didn’t have to search long and hard for the answer, it was just there.

I would have turned over every possible stone to find an educational setting that was built for their success, and focused on their strengths. They needed room and space to move, learn by doing, high-interest subjects, and teachers who propped them up instead of tearing them down.

Before I am accused of teacher-bashing (I know that there are many wonderful educators out there), many years ago, I was sitting at a team meeting for my younger son who was in 7th grade. He also attended that meeting and we had an advocate present for him. His science teacher looked at my son and told him he was simply just being lazy and needed to put his pencil on the paper and do the work. Through a later neuropsychological evaluation, he was found to have a visual-motor learning disability, making putting a pencil on paper an excruciating experience.

That was the last day my son was willing to attend school, and chose a path through adolescence I would never want to see another child feel they need to take, and I will go to bat for these kids day after day.

Was my son a challenging student? Absolutely. Severe ADHD is no small thing to live with or to have in a classroom as a teacher. Was there a perfect-fit place for him to learn back 30 years ago? I don’t know. I don’t think so. But I would have, and should have, fought harder to find one for him. I hear about kids attending private schools in a working farm setting, and as I look at those websites, I wish I could turn back time and do it right.

If you are currently in this position of trying to figure out the one thing that you can do differently, there is still time.

I have been coaching children since 2002. In all seriousness, I can’t believe that 20 years have passed.

A joyful aspect of that 20 years is seeing kids that I knew early on. They are now in their 20’s and early 30’s. Some of them I run into when I am out and about, and some I see their moms’ posts on social media. I stay friendly with so many of the mothers that I have had the pleasure to know over the years.

One of my kids I recently ran into is an assistant retail store manager and we had a delightful conversation. Another one who experienced severe social anxiety greeted me with a huge smile at Market Basket and told me how much he loves his job.

Another is an award-winning figure skater, and one just completed hiking the Appalachian Trail. There are college graduates, black belts, entrepreneurs, and artists among the kids that have graced my life.

All of these kids struggled. And because they had parents that never gave up, and they themselves never gave up, have done just fine.

Granted, outcomes are never guaranteed, and some of us are still cheering on the progress of our young adult children or moving in the direction of acceptance that extra support will be a lifetime need. And even then, it will work out the way it is meant to.

Yes, the struggle is real for our kids. But, we have to remember, so is their success, and in almost every instance over 20 years, they have found their way to it.

A social learning strategy that is frequently employed in my social groups has to do with assisting kids in practicing the skill of connecting actions to outcomes.

Kids who struggle with impulsiveness or have executive function weaknesses do not do this very well, if at all. These are kids whose brains live only in the moment and do not have the mechanisms available to them that will prevent them from taking action.

Instead of a ready, AIM, fire mode, they operate on ready, FIRE, and there is no aim. And when you don’t have those moments of *aim* to consider why you might want to roll back the action, you don’t consider it. Until it’s too late, and the social damage has been done, or you find yourself in trouble. 

In order to help these in-the-moment brains, we need to catch them in their *ready* position. For example, yesterday, one of the kids was holding a clump of dirt, looking at me, and raising his hand in what I could easily predict was going to be a throwing action at me. In another instance, I could see a child running towards another child who wasn’t looking with both hands out, ready to (prediction here) push them. If we as adults pay attention and observe, it’s fairly easy to catch kids in their ready position and predict the action.

If we can catch the action, we can work with them on predicting the outcome. How I get them to do this is very simple. I remind them to run it through all the way to the end and ask them questions such as, “What do you think will happen if you _____? Is that what you want to happen?” If you can help a child put on the brakes this way, they will almost always stop themselves and make a different choice.

Impulsive kids DO NOT enjoy getting into trouble or having people mad at them. These are abilities that they do not have and we have to step in. By having them stop and think through the outcome, their brain begins to practice the skills needed to be able to do this. If they are never coached to stop and think before they fire, their aim is going to be off. No amount of re-visiting it after the fact (i.e., a Think Sheet) is going to have an impact. They already know what they SHOULD have done, but didn’t. In-the-moment kids need to be supported in-that-moment.

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“I am not autistic!” This is from a very distressed elementary school student to his mom. He is in a substantially separate classroom due to difficulties in a general education classroom. His substantially separate classroom is the autism program in his district. He has ADHD. He hates school.

This post on Facebook pretty accurately describes what we try to do to help these kids, and how it fails them. If you don’t have FB, it is about a token system designed for helping children change disruptive actions instead of understanding the symptoms of ADHD. It is both exhausting for the teacher, and impossible for the student to have any form of success with it.

Of course, I understand that nothing is 100% effective or not effective. There are many students with ADHD that can be motivated by reward systems. I have offered some group reward programs myself. Do I think they help change neurology? No. Nor do I feel most of them are sustainable or create any long-term changes. I feel that they are most helpful to remind us as adults to provide positive comments and praise when a child is getting it right. Something we should be doing on a regular basis with or without a token system.

I also believe that ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) is very effective for some children who are on the spectrum. Autistic children can also have ADHD. There are ADHD children who are not on the spectrum, and here lies the difference.

In my experience with supporting ADHD kids, many are plugged into interventions and district programs that are not meant for them, but we don’t know what else to do. So many of these kids escalate and find themselves in 45-day extended evaluation settings. Do some need this level of support? Most likely. Do they all? No.

The absolute hardest thing about living with ADHD is having symptoms treated as behaviors or active choices. Yes, impulsivity has some hint of intent to it, but kids are not able to think through or predict the outcome, hence making it an impulse and not a choice.

In my dream world as a mom of two ADHD sons, and the social educator of so many more, we would have programs specifically designed for the specific support these kids need to feel successful at school. It would need a strong social-emotional learning component that includes teaching how the ADHD brain works, opportunities for consistent movement, and sensory input, lessons outdoors, positive staff providing positive reinforcement, understanding of impulse versus choice, and so much more.

We say we understand kids better now. And in many aspects we do. We have come a very long way with autism and anxiety. I still feel we haven’t come at all far enough for our ADHD kids.

ne day last week, I opened up the hatch door to my vehicle and found my car keys sitting there on the floor mat. That was just one result of the scattered thought process in my brain when too many things are going on all at once. I also spent a great deal of time last week forgetting what I was doing, jumping from task to task without finishing anything, worrying about the pile of mess on my desk (which is usually neat), reaching into the cabinet for handfuls of chips, and dropping stuff.

When I find myself engaging in these actions, I know that it is a sign that I am overwhelmed, stressed, and not coping very well.

Everyone has *tells* which indicate that either external or internal feedback is becoming too much. I would encourage you to think about yours. I would especially encourage us to all think about the tells that children demonstrate when they are feeling as though things are “too much” or are on the path to a heightened place that is difficult for them to not only recognize for themselves, or to easily come back from. 

Maybe a child starts to make a certain noise or begins to appear agitated, sweaty, or red-faced. Maybe that look of fun on their face becomes more of a grimace or they just give off a greater vibe of intensity.

If we can catch ourselves or our kids when we are showing signs of feeling overwhelmed and not so much in control of ourselves, we can better remember and implement coping mechanisms. For me, those include focusing on and prioritizing just one thing or task at a time through to completion, using the do-not-disturb feature on my phone, letting some things go, and taking a coffee break on my porch.

Kids might need us to acknowledge that they are feeling stressed and talk through strategies and solutions about the particular issue they are faced with.  Maybe that could be breaking down homework into smaller bites. It could possibly be alerting people who work with our kids on how to recognize their tells and what works best for that child (being sent on a movement break or to get a drink of water, help us with a task, or a sensory activity to help regulate their system).

It takes some self-awareness to realize when we are in this place of feeling overwhelmed and implement the coping strategies that work best for us. The first step is to figure out the tells, in order to be able to talk ourselves through the stress and back into balance.

Have you ever gotten frustrated with a child that isn’t listening to you, or perhaps you think is ignoring you? What typically happens is that we begin to escalate our voice, or express anger with the child. 

ADHD children, especially, demonstrate the appearance of not listening. It is important to understand that the ADHD brain is a very busy brain, generating all kinds of internal distractions and easily prone to external distractions. All of these distractors have an equal share of a child’s attention, meaning, a child cannot prioritize which one to pay attention to at any given time. An adult voice is simply another cog in the cognitive chaos.

When we continually accuse the ADHD child of not listening or ignoring us, not only are we confusing them with our anger, but the words that our anger produces will have a lasting impact on their self-esteem. Here are a few strategies to support a child in their ability to listen to and process what we are asking of them:

Never address an ADHD child from across the room, or from another room. Your words will be lost in the space between you and the child. Go to the child and close the space.

Actively ask for the child’s brain. Say something such as, “I need your brain on me, or my words, right now. I have something important to tell you.” You will see the child’s eyes and ears turn to you, and you now have an available brain.

Give one direction at a time with as few words as needed. “Switching to math, now.” “Brush teeth next,” etc.

Have the child repeat the direction back to you to make sure that it was processed correctly. 

Another tip involves remembering the tendril theory when an ADHD child is hyperfocused on an activity or task. I use words such as, “it’s time to start thinking about pulling those brain tendrils or roots out of the Legos or that awesome creation you are working on. You can *freeze* what you are doing and go right back to it after you are done with ______.” 

Sure, all kids are able to actively choose to not listen to or ignore us, particularly when they don’t like what we are saying. Using these strategies will help you decipher if it is a situation where a child won’t listen (consequences then apply), or more likely, can’t listen and needs support.

One of the major areas that can be a cause of frustration for parents or adults who work with children, is when kids refuse to do what we want or need them to do.

This could be getting ready for school or for bed, doing their chores, or an unending number of things. 

There is a trap that we set for ourselves. And, it’s a question. The yes-or-no question. We use these out of politeness, mostly. But it leaves a significant loophole for kids and also causes unnecessary misunderstandings and arguments. A few examples:

• Do you want to get your shoes on so you’ll be ready for the bus?
• Do you think you should start your homework now?
• Would you please come to help me bring in the groceries?
• Could you stop your video game and come to dinner?

A yes-or-no question contains an option – the no option. And, kids will choose this option in circumstances when what we are asking them to do is not what they want to do.

Misunderstandings and arguments happen when we give the option, the child takes the option, and then we become frustrated or angry with the child. For kids who don’t interpret the hidden gray areas of intended meaning, a yes-or-no question when no isn’t really an option is confusing.

The best bet for when you need a child to comply is to make a directive statement and skip the question.

• The bus will be coming soon. It’s time to get your shoes on.
• In five more minutes, it will be homework time.
• I need help carrying in the groceries.
• Dinner is ready. It’s time to pause (or stop) the game.

I still catch myself asking kids yes-or-no questions now and then. You will catch yourself doing it now, too. And you will laugh to yourself when you get the result you weren’t looking for and change your approach to avoid this particular parenting or teaching trap.

I first experienced this phenomenon with my oldest son. He went to school just fine, and his teachers every year all reported to me how wonderful he was in class, but when he got home each day, the irritability and meltdowns would impact our family for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Any little thing would set him off, and we walked around on eggshells trying not to light the fuse.

I have come to understand that this phenomenon is real, has a name, and happens to a lot of kids. It is called after-school restraint collapse. It occurs when a child who wants to please or is holding in and internalizing anxiety or sensory needs during the day, gets home and needs to let out all that built-up stress. Kids don’t typically have the language for expressing this and demonstrate what looks like behavior or anger issues. A very difficult part of restraint collapse is that it is taken out on the people that the child loves the most and feels safest around, and that can make us as parents (or their siblings) feel like human punching bags.

I think the important strategy in many instances is to identify for the child the actual thing that is happening to them. In this case, after-school restraint collapse and what it is. Once you put a real name to the problem, it is much easier to come up with solutions. In reality, kids who experience after-school restraint collapse may end up being punished, rather than understood. However, no one should be in the role of someone’s human garbage disposal, so we need to brainstorm acceptable ways to decompress and discharge all of the stress the child has been holding in all day.

This can be different for individual kids. Some might need to be left completely alone (even not talking to them) for a time after they are picked up or get off the bus. Some might need a snack, be allowed to watch a video or play a game, or get outside to play before any attempts at homework or engaging the child. The best way to find out what will work for your child is to ask your child what they think might work. This is best done when a child is the most relaxed and in a good head space. This conversation might go something like this:

“I notice or I’m concerned that after-school time is difficult for our family. It has to be hard to be in school all day doing everything that you need to do (focusing, learning, dealing with sensory overload, etc.) When you get home and all that “stuff” is done, you need to relax, but sometimes you don’t feel you get to do that and we all get really frustrated and grumpy with each other. This is an actual thing called after-school restraint collapse and I need us to work together to make after-school time better for you and for all of us. What do you think might work to help you relax after school?” Then you might present some of the ideas above and ask the child for their ideas.

Usually, even just identifying the problem, takes us to a better place with greater understanding and the ability to cope better. My son, who is now 35, still has this issue in the form of after-work restraint collapse. His boss and the customers he serves still see the side of him his teachers used to see all day, but when he gets home from work, he needs at least an hour to himself with no one talking to him to decompress. 

So, if you are an educator or another adult that works with children, and think a child is doing wonderfully at school if a parent reports that after school is very different, you can do the child and their parents an immense service just by being aware that on the inside, they are wrapped up tight to be able to make it through their day in that wonderful way.

I just finished the 8th week of our summer social skills program. The kids were amazing, and there were endless opportunities to coach and support social success.

Remarkably, everyone also stayed in one piece. Nothing more than the need for an occasional bandaid or ice pack for a small bump. 

And, I am tired. A good kind of tired. Being trusted with other people’s children takes some mental and physical energy. 

I’ve been told by many folks that they enjoy receiving and reading these tips each week, and I am grateful that so many of you find them helpful.

Today’s tip is about knowing what you need and being able to voice that to other people. I had a little person today become upset over something, and when I sat with him to help figure it out, he said, “Miss Donna, talking about it will only make me more upset.” And then he took off to the dirt pile to handle it in his own way.

So, my tired self is making sure I stay in touch with you this week, but giving myself permission to do what I need today, to just say hello and that I’ll be back to chat with you next Thursday!

I’m wishing everyone wonderful last remaining days of summer and a successful back-to-school!

So much of social coaching involves teaching kids how to use coping strategies, building inner resilience, and learning that life isn’t always fair and that people are not going to always do what you want them to do.

These social scenarios turn up frequently here during coaching. Just today, we were working with kids on the fact that no matter how much you wanted an item that someone else was using or a turn on an activity that had a waiting line, these are situations you cannot and will not be able to have your own way. This is where we patiently and firmly work on the necessary life skill of being able to deal.

In other, rarer, instances, expecting a child to cope with something isn’t fair. In some circumstances, we realize that we adults need to step in and form a protective bubble around a child and a particular issue. There are times when accommodating a child far outweighs our thoughts about a life lesson.

One day last week at my summer program, the kids were playing in the big dirt pile (a huge hit around here). A few of the older boys (8-10ish) found a couple of plush Mikey Mouse toys in the tent that I had picked up for free at the transfer station. They developed some complex imaginary revolution game that involved asking if they could bury the toys in the dirt pile. At the time, I didn’t see any harm in allowing them to do that.

That was until, one of our littlest boys that week, saw what they were doing and became very, very, upset. Despite us assuring him that they were just old toys, he grew more and more tearful and angry and got to a place where things would have grown unsafe. We were able to keep the scenario from escalating, but we weren’t able to help him move past it. I hated to, but we all thought it best that he take a break from camp the rest of the morning and come back the next day, even though that wasn’t a fair solution based on the circumstances. In the meantime, I suspected, and I was right as confirmed by his mom, that Mickey is a very special character for him.

This is not something that a child needs to learn how to cope with. This is where the grown-ups step in and offer a protective bubble. I got rid of the Mickey toys that night, and when the kids asked for them the next day, we talked about caring about other people, and that sometimes, that requires us to make a small sacrifice on our part. That would be great if all kids understood that, but a few were upset that we had stopped that game for them and tried to make things a little difficult for the younger boy. Each time that occurred, I or one of my staff would physically put ourselves in a protective bubble position around him until we had all gotten past it (which didn’t take long).

Today we built an adult protective bubble around another younger boy who is a dinosaur expert. Two of the older boys are also well-versed in paleontology, and while you think this might be a great set-up, there was conflict about who was right or wrong about dinosaur facts. This was very upsetting to the younger boy, and while in this instance, I did weave in some coping strategies, at the same time, I did form a bubble around him to keep the other boys from creating a greater need to cope than the one we are already handling.

In most situations that pop up between kids, learning the ability to cope will help them build better relationships, become more resilient as they mature, and be able to navigate life when we aren’t available and protect themselves from bullies. At other times, we need to provide that protection for them.