It’s been three days of rain, cold, and June Gloom as I write my tips for this week. And there is more in the forecast.

I was joking with the receptionist at my dental office (as we chatted about the weather) that I am a full-sun plant, and this gloom was really getting to me. I spent most of the weekend feeling very low energy and coach-potato-ing.

I remember the days when I couldn’t understand why my teen sons would hang blankets over the bedroom windows, and keep their environments so dark. I guess that I should have realized that I was raising full shade plants. We need to be careful with full shade teens though, as this can also be a sign of depression. And then, I think that there are just people who like their environments cave-like.

I’ve used this plant analogy with kids enrolled in my social groups as well. There are some kids who come here and never demonstrate the challenges that their parent is reporting. It can be frustrating for parents to know that I haven’t witnessed what they explain are the issues, but that’s okay. I look at it as kids who are plants that need direct sunlight (coaching) and some do better with indirect sunlight (absorbing the coaching that I am giving other kids). Either way, plants will take in what they need, as will kids.

Think about all the different varieties and needs of the plant world. It isn’t too far of a stretch to apply it to us humans, including our small humans. When we are given what we require, and planted where we do best, we are sure to bloom.

#socialskills #socialskillsforkids #socialskillsgroups #friendship #adhd #anxiety #asd #aspergers #parentingadvice #parentingtips #parentsupport #socialcoach #socialemotionallearning

Bullying can sometimes find its roots and sprout from a simple misunderstanding left unchecked.

One of the main reasons that a child can be bullied, is that the child who becomes the bully feels as though they have been slighted or injured in some way. In a specific instance that I am thinking about, a child ate some candy that belonged to another child that was left out and the package was open. In thinking about the invisible rule that candy left out is for everyone to enjoy, you can see where this was probably an innocent act of a sweet tooth.

When the child who owned the candy came back for it, to find it gone, was understandably upset. And even though the child who ate the candy ‘fessed up and said they didn’t know it wasn’t for everyone, the other child (as some kids do) got stuck in the angry feeling.

Here is where this will go if we don’t intervene. What started to happen was the child who’s candy was eaten started whispering and talking to another child about the incident. This is the where it starts to mushroom. As one child begins to agree with the other child and generates more bad feelings and drama and ropes in more kids about it, the incident can quickly get blown out of proportion, and kids who were once friends start down a path that will create enemies.

The only way that we adults can head this off is to make sure that we are tuned in, call it out, and help kids learn the ways to remedy it. In this instance, I acknowledged the frustration of having your candy eaten on you, even if was by mistake. In the meantime, I have purchased a fresh bag of candy for the child who accidentally ate it, to give to the other just to replace it, thereby acknowledging it as a mistake, providing a fix that works for everyone, and preventing a small situation from growing out of control.

One of my middle school group members brought up a problem he was having at school with other boys in his class teasing him. Some of his mannerisms were being mocked, and they were purposefully touching his belongings to upset him.

This student is, and always has been, very easily upset. We talked at length that the strengths of his neurodiverse brain also came with vulnerabilities, and that other kids would try to exploit those vulnerabilities.

He had a hard time understanding that he couldn’t just demand that they simply stop and be respectful of him. I explained to him that is what we all wish, but the reality is, human beings, particularly in groups, will be mean to other human beings for self-amusement and gaining social collateral.

He also had a great deal of difficulty understanding that the best way to protect yourself from bullying, since there is no such thing as preventing it, is, if you safely can, to briefly go along with it. Pretend to have a sense of humor about it and to laugh along with them. Poke a joke at yourself. Even just agree, or say, “Yeah, dude. You got me there.” The ability to NOT let other people see that you are upset is the key defense in becoming a non-target.

I tell kids, you know what bullies want?

• They want to upset you.

• They want to make you cry.

• They gain power points (some kids refer to these as XP points) and level up every time they get a big, juicy reaction from you.

So, here’s the strategy. Think of yourself like an orange. Keep your juicy reaction on the inside but show the mean kids a tough or “yeah, whatever,” outer rind. I do not tell kids that that should feel hurt or sad, or upset, but to hold on to show those feelings and talk about it where it is safe to do so.

Becoming upset, crying, and demanding that it stop is how kids become targets. This starts as early as pre-school and kindergarten. Kids will always try to make other kids cry. I know that for many kids, especially my middle schoolers, temporarily going along with it seems counter-intuitive, but it will usually work.

This is one strategy that kids can use on their own. There are many others in Bully Busting & Managing Meanies: Tips for Kids on Handling Conflict. We as adults should not only know what strategies we can teach kids, but also know the signs of a child who is involved in a bullying situation and the steps to take to protect them.

“Miss Donna, can I take my Lego project that I made home with me?”

“No. Those are my Legos and have to stay here.”

Commence argument or meltdown at the end of group. Most kids who come here are not skilled at accepting “no” for an answer. And, I am not helping a child access, learn, or generalize the social skills needed in this situation.

Social coaching involves asking questions. If we want kids to generalize skills, we need to stop telling them or prompting them about what to do (see exception below), and start getting them to think it through for themselves. So, here, it goes like this:

“Miss Donna, can I take my Lego project that I made home with me?”

“That’s a great creation you made. What do you think I’m going to say, though?”

“You’re going to say no.”

“Probably, but do you know why I’m going to say that?”

“Yeah, because the Legos are yours and other kids play with them.”

“Right. Would you like to take a picture of your creation and I’ll text it to your mom or dad?”

Not only does this strategy get kids processing what they need to do on their own, it will also help you as the adult understand if they already have the knowledge and were not applying it or if a more in-depth dive into the skill needs to happen. So, as an exception, if a child really doesn’t know what they think you might say to this question about taking Legos home (or other similar situation), then prompting the steps before practicing again is needed.

One of the favorite activities for some of the kids who come to my social groups is building forts. We have pallets, plenty of sticks, tarps, rope, and other materials to build your own little dream home out in our wooded area.

Forts are a great way to teach flexibility. First, you have to cooperate to design a fort, allowing everyone’s ideas a chance to be heard. This frequently involves one of us adults mediating and teaching how this works. Then, you have to work as a team to physically build it, and then work out design flaws or alternative ideas as you go.

And then, you have to be prepared for all your hard work one week, to not be there the next, as all fort-building materials are community items and here for all four groups to use each week if they want to do so. Sure, I could say yes to the requests for “keep out” signs on forts, but that doesn’t teach what I’m trying to teach. In this instance, flexibility, coping with disappointment, and coming up with a new plan when the forts we build are reclaimed and redesigned.

One of the social competencies that many children lack is awareness, either of their surroundings or of other people around them. They can easily get lost in their own little world.

At a group last week, there were several kids playing in our big dirt pile with small shovels and spades. There was constant coaching on watching where the dirt got flung, or swinging around the digging tools in the air, perilously close to someone. There were complaints and cries about all manner of dirt-related issues.

Social coaching success for me has always been the ability to come up with a way to explain things that kids can really connect with, understand, and use in the immediate moment. In this instance, I stopped all the diggers and flingers, and said something to the effect of:

“Hey, people on the dirt. Everyone has TWO responsibilities when playing in the dirt. The first responsibility is to the other kids who are on the dirt pile. We need to watch out for each other at all times and make sure no one gets accidentally hit with dirt or a shovel. The second responsibility is to your own self. You need to learn to watch for things that might come at you, and adjust accordingly.”

In general, a good life lesson to teach our kids is that we are responsible for BOTH ourselves and others, an area that will take more practice for some kids than others.

#socialskills #socialskillsforkids #socialskillsgroups #friendship #adhd #anxiety #asd #aspergers #parentingadvice #parentingtips #parentsupport #socialcoach #socialemotionallearning

My mom has Parkinson’s disease and is currently in rehab for a broken hip after a difficult hospital stay. It continues to be difficult. There are multiple reasons for this, but the one that stands out is the need for her family to stay on top of things and advocate for her care. I recently remarked to my sister that we need to accept the fact that no one is going to care about mom the way we do. That is just a simple fact of human nature and the healthcare system in general.

Certainly, the facility where she is currently staying is clean, bright, and safe, and the staff is friendly. However, there are only so many people to care for the residents there, so no one resident is a priority. Mom is OUR priority, but they have many, so there are times when we have to speak up to make sure that mom’s needs are met.

So why am I mentioning this? Because it is the same thing that we have to do for our children in their school settings. There are many terrific people that are there to provide service for our children, but they have many students. We have one. Our child is our priority, and there are other parents with the same priorities. I have noted how upset I get when my mom’s requests or needs are not met with immediacy, and I have to remind myself of why. At the same time, I don’t let those needs go unmet, but I carefully craft how I approach the staff and request respectfully that their assistance as soon as possible is appreciated. And yes, I worry in the times that we are not at the facility with her, what is happening, much like we worry about what is going on in our child’s school day.

I have said to many parents, that the best outcomes that I have seen over my many years of supporting the academic and social success of kids are when we are kind, respectful, firm, and squeaky with those people that are involved with the care of the people we love.

I’m sharing a real-time coaching scenario that happened with my middle school group. I think it demonstrates how, if we are in tune and intervene, how we can turn a situation around for kids who struggle socially.

Three of the girls were over on the swings and seemed to be having a great time chatting. I walked over to check-in. It went like this (names are changed):

ME: Hey there, how is it going? It looks like you’re having fun.
SALLY: It’s good, but we have been asking Susie to give us some space.
ME: Hmmm. That sounds a little like excluding Susie, especially since there are only three girls here.
SALLY: Yeah.
ME: Sally, I know that you’ve had trouble with kids at school excluding you, so I’m surprised that you would want to do the same thing to Susie.
JESSIE: Well, Susie’s doing things that are annoying.
ME: Susie, would it be helpful to hear what it is that is bothering the other girls?
SUSIE: Yeah.
JESSIE: She’s talking really loud and yelling in my ear.
SALLY: And she’s making random and weird loud noises.
ME: Oh, I see. Okay, Susie, you’ve gotten some important feedback from the other two girls, so now, you have a choice to make. You can either keep doing these things and the girls will not want you to hang out with them, or, you can change what you’re doing and enjoy a nice and friendly experience with them. What do you want to do?
SUSIE: I’ll change it.

And she did. She stopped making noises and spoke at a normal volume. Jessie even complimented her. It’s important to know that I never want to change the uniqueness of a child. But when there are things that are clearly hampering their social interactions, I want them to understand that they have a choice to change any actions that are in their control.

You, the parent, are the expert on your child. The only one.

Many of us, as parents, have not been afforded the respect that being the expert on our child should allow. We may not have degrees in education, child development, or be a doctor of something. We may be judged for our approach to parenting our child, or be accused of making excuses for our child, and that we only need to do what other experts tell us to do.

Certainly, there can be some really helpful advice available from professionals out there. Advice that we can ask for, maybe try, and then decide whether it works for our child. We inherently know who is on our child’s side, has our back, and is willing to allow us our thoughts and opinions on what they are telling us. As parents, we need coaches that also act like teammates.

There is no right or wrong about parenting – there is just working or not working. We are the only ones that truly know, after LOTS of parenting trial and error, what works for our kids. And honestly, it is usually way outside the typical parenting toolbox.

In talking to one of my parents after a recent TEAM meeting, I suggested that she would need to get comfortable with judgment, based on how she knows her child needs to be raised and educated, compared to what she is being told by the education system.

In all matters relating to the children who participate in my programs, I defer to parental expertise. On more than one occasion, I have asked parents to come to assist me when their child is having a difficult time here because am in no way the expert on that particular child, and when my professional tools and strategies are not working, I want that particular child’s expert to be available to them.

#socialskills #socialskillsforkids #socialskillsgroups #friendship #adhd #anxiety #asd #aspergers #parentingadvice #parentingtips #parentsupport #socialcoach #socialemotionallearning

Image credit: Expert by Nick Youngson CC BY-SA 3.0 Pix4free

This week, we’re back to talking about teens. If this is your first experience with parenting a teen, or if your teen is an only child, it may cause confusion or stress as the child you knew begins to grow into someone new.

For those of us who have been through this experience, we can assure you that the other side of it usually turns out just fine.

Your adolescent is going through a stage of development that is rather huge. The process of this stage of adolescence includes:

Separating from their family of origin;
Answering the questions of who am I and whom I wish to be;
Exploring their capacity for intimacy;
Learning to master impulses;
Physically changing from child to adult; and,
Doing so with a brain that is not fully grown.

Whew! That’s a lot, right? In the meantime, you may find yourself embroiled in arguments about autonomy, risk-taking, friends, screen use, academics, what you made for dinner, family time, and on and on it can go.

What should you stand your ground on with your teen, and what is okay to let go (even though it makes you, the parent, feel disgruntled)?

If you have a teen that is pretty well-behaved, gets decent grades, uses their manners outside of the house, and isn’t experimenting with alcohol or drugs, you are very lucky. There is so much that you can let go of here. How they style their hair (it’s just hair), make-up and fashion, messy rooms (close the door), and what they eat.

If you fight about the little things, they will not listen to you about the big things, and the big things (their safety, their mental health, and their future as independent young people, are a few of the big things. Don’t lose sight that adolescence is a short stage, even though some days it doesn’t feel that way. Their job is to differentiate themselves from you. If they are doing that in small acts of benign defiance, close your eyes, close your mouth, give them a hug if they allow it, and just love them for who they are as they make the journey into whom they will become.