I had the pleasure of doing back-to-back trainings on Monday for extended day program providers in Westwood and Natick. I do many of these trainings for before and after school program staff.

A theme that runs through these trainings and discussions is entitlement and lack of respectful interactions from both children and parents.

One example of this: As a special treat, staff took out a Wii to play old school video games. The kids were given a choice to go to the gym or play on the Wii. Those that stayed to play on the Wii were put in a timed rotation system so that everyone had turns and a fair chance to play. A particular child opted to go the gym instead. When his mother picked him up, he spotted the video games and demanded a turn. Staff told him and his mother that there was a system in place and that he had chosen not to participate. His mother demanded he receive a turn as he grew upset, and was told that disrupting the system was not going to happen. As staff left to dismiss other children, they came back to discover that the mother had taken it upon herself to tell the other children they had to stop playing, and her son was using the game.

Another example: A child was given the choice of doing an art project or going outside to the playground. She chose to go outside. At pick-up time, she decided she now wanted to do the project and was told the day was over. As she threw a tantrum, her mother requested that staff put the materials together for her to take home.

Other ways that entitlement is encouraged:

• Asking that exceptions be made for a child;
• Doing everything for a child that the child is capable of doing;
• Undermining adults who care for the child in front of the child;
• Not enforcing the use of basic manners and asking politely instead of making demands; and,
• Any way that we give children the power of one of the needs of many.

Yes, there are kids with specific needs that may need extra support in learning that these basic manners and rules apply to everyone. Challenges such as ADHD are definitely a reason that some things are harder to learn and accomplish, but never an excuse for treating other people poorly.

Do you, or someone that you love, tend to be a glass-half-empty kind of human? Maybe there tends to be a lot of complaining, of focus on the things that go wrong, rather than what is going right?

Did you know that are brains are hard-wired to look more for the negative (or in the very far past be always on alert for danger in the forms of things that will hurt us), than they are for the positive?
The science of positive psychology has proven that we can re-wire ourselves to be more optimistic. One of the keys to this is gratitude.

I call it the Gratitude Game when I am caring for my elderly mother, who honestly, has a lot to be discouraged about. So much has physically and cognitively been taken from her by Parkinson’s disease. We all know, though, that being around someone who stays stuck in the “what is wrong” can be very draining. So with my mother, I play this game and help her look for things to be grateful for. A warm house. That my Dad takes amazing care of her. Her children live close by.

A play this game myself when life gets tough. I’ve been playing it for awhile now, and I find that the science is true. I am much more resilient through the tough days, because even on the worst of them, I remind myself that there is so much to be grateful for.

You can start your own Gratitude Game at dinner tonight. Ask each family member about three things that happened to day that were good, and why they are good. You can start a Gratitude Jar with small slips of paper and family members can write down things they are grateful for. Open it New Year’s Eve or any other special time. We don’t have to practice gratitude only in the month of November. If we practice it all year long, the Gratitude Game will serve you well on the darkest days when you need to play it. https://conta.cc/3MvfpXc The Peter Pan Center

socialskills #socialskillsforkids #socialskillsgroups #friendship #adhd #anxiety #asd #aspergers #parentingadvice #parentingtips #parentsupport #socialcoach #socialemotionallearning

As our school year groups wrapped up to pause until September, I had the great pleasure of kids asking for me to help them have playdates with each other over the summer. I love being their matchmaker!

I think one of the most rewarding aspects of my role as a social coach is to see the sparks of real friendships turn into flames of truly connected relationships for kids. For many, this can be the very first real friendship experience.

I often tell kids that friends are not necessarily found among schoolmates, and one must embark on a treasure hunt in other places, because your friends are out there.

When a connection or multiple connections occur within a group, I ask both families for permission to connect them via email, and then they take it from there. One vital element is to treat these playdates that are set up as a most important appointment. For kids who are getting some of their first invitations to play, the goal is to try and make this happen, no matter what.

For kids who have struggled in the past on playdates, having a planned activity or agenda will add some necessary structure, as is having the kids on the parental radar while they are together. Another benefit of finding friends in a social group or a place where there are common interests, is that you almost inherently meet another parent who will “get” your child, which may alleviate your anxiety about judgement for when your child hits a bump.

It’s been three days of rain, cold, and June Gloom as I write my tips for this week. And there is more in the forecast.

I was joking with the receptionist at my dental office (as we chatted about the weather) that I am a full-sun plant, and this gloom was really getting to me. I spent most of the weekend feeling very low energy and coach-potato-ing.

I remember the days when I couldn’t understand why my teen sons would hang blankets over the bedroom windows, and keep their environments so dark. I guess that I should have realized that I was raising full shade plants. We need to be careful with full shade teens though, as this can also be a sign of depression. And then, I think that there are just people who like their environments cave-like.

I’ve used this plant analogy with kids enrolled in my social groups as well. There are some kids who come here and never demonstrate the challenges that their parent is reporting. It can be frustrating for parents to know that I haven’t witnessed what they explain are the issues, but that’s okay. I look at it as kids who are plants that need direct sunlight (coaching) and some do better with indirect sunlight (absorbing the coaching that I am giving other kids). Either way, plants will take in what they need, as will kids.

Think about all the different varieties and needs of the plant world. It isn’t too far of a stretch to apply it to us humans, including our small humans. When we are given what we require, and planted where we do best, we are sure to bloom.

#socialskills #socialskillsforkids #socialskillsgroups #friendship #adhd #anxiety #asd #aspergers #parentingadvice #parentingtips #parentsupport #socialcoach #socialemotionallearning

Bullying can sometimes find its roots and sprout from a simple misunderstanding left unchecked.

One of the main reasons that a child can be bullied, is that the child who becomes the bully feels as though they have been slighted or injured in some way. In a specific instance that I am thinking about, a child ate some candy that belonged to another child that was left out and the package was open. In thinking about the invisible rule that candy left out is for everyone to enjoy, you can see where this was probably an innocent act of a sweet tooth.

When the child who owned the candy came back for it, to find it gone, was understandably upset. And even though the child who ate the candy ‘fessed up and said they didn’t know it wasn’t for everyone, the other child (as some kids do) got stuck in the angry feeling.

Here is where this will go if we don’t intervene. What started to happen was the child who’s candy was eaten started whispering and talking to another child about the incident. This is the where it starts to mushroom. As one child begins to agree with the other child and generates more bad feelings and drama and ropes in more kids about it, the incident can quickly get blown out of proportion, and kids who were once friends start down a path that will create enemies.

The only way that we adults can head this off is to make sure that we are tuned in, call it out, and help kids learn the ways to remedy it. In this instance, I acknowledged the frustration of having your candy eaten on you, even if was by mistake. In the meantime, I have purchased a fresh bag of candy for the child who accidentally ate it, to give to the other just to replace it, thereby acknowledging it as a mistake, providing a fix that works for everyone, and preventing a small situation from growing out of control.

One of my middle school group members brought up a problem he was having at school with other boys in his class teasing him. Some of his mannerisms were being mocked, and they were purposefully touching his belongings to upset him.

This student is, and always has been, very easily upset. We talked at length that the strengths of his neurodiverse brain also came with vulnerabilities, and that other kids would try to exploit those vulnerabilities.

He had a hard time understanding that he couldn’t just demand that they simply stop and be respectful of him. I explained to him that is what we all wish, but the reality is, human beings, particularly in groups, will be mean to other human beings for self-amusement and gaining social collateral.

He also had a great deal of difficulty understanding that the best way to protect yourself from bullying, since there is no such thing as preventing it, is, if you safely can, to briefly go along with it. Pretend to have a sense of humor about it and to laugh along with them. Poke a joke at yourself. Even just agree, or say, “Yeah, dude. You got me there.” The ability to NOT let other people see that you are upset is the key defense in becoming a non-target.

I tell kids, you know what bullies want?

• They want to upset you.

• They want to make you cry.

• They gain power points (some kids refer to these as XP points) and level up every time they get a big, juicy reaction from you.

So, here’s the strategy. Think of yourself like an orange. Keep your juicy reaction on the inside but show the mean kids a tough or “yeah, whatever,” outer rind. I do not tell kids that that should feel hurt or sad, or upset, but to hold on to show those feelings and talk about it where it is safe to do so.

Becoming upset, crying, and demanding that it stop is how kids become targets. This starts as early as pre-school and kindergarten. Kids will always try to make other kids cry. I know that for many kids, especially my middle schoolers, temporarily going along with it seems counter-intuitive, but it will usually work.

This is one strategy that kids can use on their own. There are many others in Bully Busting & Managing Meanies: Tips for Kids on Handling Conflict. We as adults should not only know what strategies we can teach kids, but also know the signs of a child who is involved in a bullying situation and the steps to take to protect them.

“Miss Donna, can I take my Lego project that I made home with me?”

“No. Those are my Legos and have to stay here.”

Commence argument or meltdown at the end of group. Most kids who come here are not skilled at accepting “no” for an answer. And, I am not helping a child access, learn, or generalize the social skills needed in this situation.

Social coaching involves asking questions. If we want kids to generalize skills, we need to stop telling them or prompting them about what to do (see exception below), and start getting them to think it through for themselves. So, here, it goes like this:

“Miss Donna, can I take my Lego project that I made home with me?”

“That’s a great creation you made. What do you think I’m going to say, though?”

“You’re going to say no.”

“Probably, but do you know why I’m going to say that?”

“Yeah, because the Legos are yours and other kids play with them.”

“Right. Would you like to take a picture of your creation and I’ll text it to your mom or dad?”

Not only does this strategy get kids processing what they need to do on their own, it will also help you as the adult understand if they already have the knowledge and were not applying it or if a more in-depth dive into the skill needs to happen. So, as an exception, if a child really doesn’t know what they think you might say to this question about taking Legos home (or other similar situation), then prompting the steps before practicing again is needed.

One of the favorite activities for some of the kids who come to my social groups is building forts. We have pallets, plenty of sticks, tarps, rope, and other materials to build your own little dream home out in our wooded area.

Forts are a great way to teach flexibility. First, you have to cooperate to design a fort, allowing everyone’s ideas a chance to be heard. This frequently involves one of us adults mediating and teaching how this works. Then, you have to work as a team to physically build it, and then work out design flaws or alternative ideas as you go.

And then, you have to be prepared for all your hard work one week, to not be there the next, as all fort-building materials are community items and here for all four groups to use each week if they want to do so. Sure, I could say yes to the requests for “keep out” signs on forts, but that doesn’t teach what I’m trying to teach. In this instance, flexibility, coping with disappointment, and coming up with a new plan when the forts we build are reclaimed and redesigned.

One of the social competencies that many children lack is awareness, either of their surroundings or of other people around them. They can easily get lost in their own little world.

At a group last week, there were several kids playing in our big dirt pile with small shovels and spades. There was constant coaching on watching where the dirt got flung, or swinging around the digging tools in the air, perilously close to someone. There were complaints and cries about all manner of dirt-related issues.

Social coaching success for me has always been the ability to come up with a way to explain things that kids can really connect with, understand, and use in the immediate moment. In this instance, I stopped all the diggers and flingers, and said something to the effect of:

“Hey, people on the dirt. Everyone has TWO responsibilities when playing in the dirt. The first responsibility is to the other kids who are on the dirt pile. We need to watch out for each other at all times and make sure no one gets accidentally hit with dirt or a shovel. The second responsibility is to your own self. You need to learn to watch for things that might come at you, and adjust accordingly.”

In general, a good life lesson to teach our kids is that we are responsible for BOTH ourselves and others, an area that will take more practice for some kids than others.

#socialskills #socialskillsforkids #socialskillsgroups #friendship #adhd #anxiety #asd #aspergers #parentingadvice #parentingtips #parentsupport #socialcoach #socialemotionallearning

My mom has Parkinson’s disease and is currently in rehab for a broken hip after a difficult hospital stay. It continues to be difficult. There are multiple reasons for this, but the one that stands out is the need for her family to stay on top of things and advocate for her care. I recently remarked to my sister that we need to accept the fact that no one is going to care about mom the way we do. That is just a simple fact of human nature and the healthcare system in general.

Certainly, the facility where she is currently staying is clean, bright, and safe, and the staff is friendly. However, there are only so many people to care for the residents there, so no one resident is a priority. Mom is OUR priority, but they have many, so there are times when we have to speak up to make sure that mom’s needs are met.

So why am I mentioning this? Because it is the same thing that we have to do for our children in their school settings. There are many terrific people that are there to provide service for our children, but they have many students. We have one. Our child is our priority, and there are other parents with the same priorities. I have noted how upset I get when my mom’s requests or needs are not met with immediacy, and I have to remind myself of why. At the same time, I don’t let those needs go unmet, but I carefully craft how I approach the staff and request respectfully that their assistance as soon as possible is appreciated. And yes, I worry in the times that we are not at the facility with her, what is happening, much like we worry about what is going on in our child’s school day.

I have said to many parents, that the best outcomes that I have seen over my many years of supporting the academic and social success of kids are when we are kind, respectful, firm, and squeaky with those people that are involved with the care of the people we love.