ne day last week, I opened up the hatch door to my vehicle and found my car keys sitting there on the floor mat. That was just one result of the scattered thought process in my brain when too many things are going on all at once. I also spent a great deal of time last week forgetting what I was doing, jumping from task to task without finishing anything, worrying about the pile of mess on my desk (which is usually neat), reaching into the cabinet for handfuls of chips, and dropping stuff.

When I find myself engaging in these actions, I know that it is a sign that I am overwhelmed, stressed, and not coping very well.

Everyone has *tells* which indicate that either external or internal feedback is becoming too much. I would encourage you to think about yours. I would especially encourage us to all think about the tells that children demonstrate when they are feeling as though things are “too much” or are on the path to a heightened place that is difficult for them to not only recognize for themselves, or to easily come back from. 

Maybe a child starts to make a certain noise or begins to appear agitated, sweaty, or red-faced. Maybe that look of fun on their face becomes more of a grimace or they just give off a greater vibe of intensity.

If we can catch ourselves or our kids when we are showing signs of feeling overwhelmed and not so much in control of ourselves, we can better remember and implement coping mechanisms. For me, those include focusing on and prioritizing just one thing or task at a time through to completion, using the do-not-disturb feature on my phone, letting some things go, and taking a coffee break on my porch.

Kids might need us to acknowledge that they are feeling stressed and talk through strategies and solutions about the particular issue they are faced with.  Maybe that could be breaking down homework into smaller bites. It could possibly be alerting people who work with our kids on how to recognize their tells and what works best for that child (being sent on a movement break or to get a drink of water, help us with a task, or a sensory activity to help regulate their system).

It takes some self-awareness to realize when we are in this place of feeling overwhelmed and implement the coping strategies that work best for us. The first step is to figure out the tells, in order to be able to talk ourselves through the stress and back into balance.

Have you ever gotten frustrated with a child that isn’t listening to you, or perhaps you think is ignoring you? What typically happens is that we begin to escalate our voice, or express anger with the child. 

ADHD children, especially, demonstrate the appearance of not listening. It is important to understand that the ADHD brain is a very busy brain, generating all kinds of internal distractions and easily prone to external distractions. All of these distractors have an equal share of a child’s attention, meaning, a child cannot prioritize which one to pay attention to at any given time. An adult voice is simply another cog in the cognitive chaos.

When we continually accuse the ADHD child of not listening or ignoring us, not only are we confusing them with our anger, but the words that our anger produces will have a lasting impact on their self-esteem. Here are a few strategies to support a child in their ability to listen to and process what we are asking of them:

Never address an ADHD child from across the room, or from another room. Your words will be lost in the space between you and the child. Go to the child and close the space.

Actively ask for the child’s brain. Say something such as, “I need your brain on me, or my words, right now. I have something important to tell you.” You will see the child’s eyes and ears turn to you, and you now have an available brain.

Give one direction at a time with as few words as needed. “Switching to math, now.” “Brush teeth next,” etc.

Have the child repeat the direction back to you to make sure that it was processed correctly. 

Another tip involves remembering the tendril theory when an ADHD child is hyperfocused on an activity or task. I use words such as, “it’s time to start thinking about pulling those brain tendrils or roots out of the Legos or that awesome creation you are working on. You can *freeze* what you are doing and go right back to it after you are done with ______.” 

Sure, all kids are able to actively choose to not listen to or ignore us, particularly when they don’t like what we are saying. Using these strategies will help you decipher if it is a situation where a child won’t listen (consequences then apply), or more likely, can’t listen and needs support.

One of the major areas that can be a cause of frustration for parents or adults who work with children, is when kids refuse to do what we want or need them to do.

This could be getting ready for school or for bed, doing their chores, or an unending number of things. 

There is a trap that we set for ourselves. And, it’s a question. The yes-or-no question. We use these out of politeness, mostly. But it leaves a significant loophole for kids and also causes unnecessary misunderstandings and arguments. A few examples:

• Do you want to get your shoes on so you’ll be ready for the bus?
• Do you think you should start your homework now?
• Would you please come to help me bring in the groceries?
• Could you stop your video game and come to dinner?

A yes-or-no question contains an option – the no option. And, kids will choose this option in circumstances when what we are asking them to do is not what they want to do.

Misunderstandings and arguments happen when we give the option, the child takes the option, and then we become frustrated or angry with the child. For kids who don’t interpret the hidden gray areas of intended meaning, a yes-or-no question when no isn’t really an option is confusing.

The best bet for when you need a child to comply is to make a directive statement and skip the question.

• The bus will be coming soon. It’s time to get your shoes on.
• In five more minutes, it will be homework time.
• I need help carrying in the groceries.
• Dinner is ready. It’s time to pause (or stop) the game.

I still catch myself asking kids yes-or-no questions now and then. You will catch yourself doing it now, too. And you will laugh to yourself when you get the result you weren’t looking for and change your approach to avoid this particular parenting or teaching trap.

I first experienced this phenomenon with my oldest son. He went to school just fine, and his teachers every year all reported to me how wonderful he was in class, but when he got home each day, the irritability and meltdowns would impact our family for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Any little thing would set him off, and we walked around on eggshells trying not to light the fuse.

I have come to understand that this phenomenon is real, has a name, and happens to a lot of kids. It is called after-school restraint collapse. It occurs when a child who wants to please or is holding in and internalizing anxiety or sensory needs during the day, gets home and needs to let out all that built-up stress. Kids don’t typically have the language for expressing this and demonstrate what looks like behavior or anger issues. A very difficult part of restraint collapse is that it is taken out on the people that the child loves the most and feels safest around, and that can make us as parents (or their siblings) feel like human punching bags.

I think the important strategy in many instances is to identify for the child the actual thing that is happening to them. In this case, after-school restraint collapse and what it is. Once you put a real name to the problem, it is much easier to come up with solutions. In reality, kids who experience after-school restraint collapse may end up being punished, rather than understood. However, no one should be in the role of someone’s human garbage disposal, so we need to brainstorm acceptable ways to decompress and discharge all of the stress the child has been holding in all day.

This can be different for individual kids. Some might need to be left completely alone (even not talking to them) for a time after they are picked up or get off the bus. Some might need a snack, be allowed to watch a video or play a game, or get outside to play before any attempts at homework or engaging the child. The best way to find out what will work for your child is to ask your child what they think might work. This is best done when a child is the most relaxed and in a good head space. This conversation might go something like this:

“I notice or I’m concerned that after-school time is difficult for our family. It has to be hard to be in school all day doing everything that you need to do (focusing, learning, dealing with sensory overload, etc.) When you get home and all that “stuff” is done, you need to relax, but sometimes you don’t feel you get to do that and we all get really frustrated and grumpy with each other. This is an actual thing called after-school restraint collapse and I need us to work together to make after-school time better for you and for all of us. What do you think might work to help you relax after school?” Then you might present some of the ideas above and ask the child for their ideas.

Usually, even just identifying the problem, takes us to a better place with greater understanding and the ability to cope better. My son, who is now 35, still has this issue in the form of after-work restraint collapse. His boss and the customers he serves still see the side of him his teachers used to see all day, but when he gets home from work, he needs at least an hour to himself with no one talking to him to decompress. 

So, if you are an educator or another adult that works with children, and think a child is doing wonderfully at school if a parent reports that after school is very different, you can do the child and their parents an immense service just by being aware that on the inside, they are wrapped up tight to be able to make it through their day in that wonderful way.

I just finished the 8th week of our summer social skills program. The kids were amazing, and there were endless opportunities to coach and support social success.

Remarkably, everyone also stayed in one piece. Nothing more than the need for an occasional bandaid or ice pack for a small bump. 

And, I am tired. A good kind of tired. Being trusted with other people’s children takes some mental and physical energy. 

I’ve been told by many folks that they enjoy receiving and reading these tips each week, and I am grateful that so many of you find them helpful.

Today’s tip is about knowing what you need and being able to voice that to other people. I had a little person today become upset over something, and when I sat with him to help figure it out, he said, “Miss Donna, talking about it will only make me more upset.” And then he took off to the dirt pile to handle it in his own way.

So, my tired self is making sure I stay in touch with you this week, but giving myself permission to do what I need today, to just say hello and that I’ll be back to chat with you next Thursday!

I’m wishing everyone wonderful last remaining days of summer and a successful back-to-school!

So much of social coaching involves teaching kids how to use coping strategies, building inner resilience, and learning that life isn’t always fair and that people are not going to always do what you want them to do.

These social scenarios turn up frequently here during coaching. Just today, we were working with kids on the fact that no matter how much you wanted an item that someone else was using or a turn on an activity that had a waiting line, these are situations you cannot and will not be able to have your own way. This is where we patiently and firmly work on the necessary life skill of being able to deal.

In other, rarer, instances, expecting a child to cope with something isn’t fair. In some circumstances, we realize that we adults need to step in and form a protective bubble around a child and a particular issue. There are times when accommodating a child far outweighs our thoughts about a life lesson.

One day last week at my summer program, the kids were playing in the big dirt pile (a huge hit around here). A few of the older boys (8-10ish) found a couple of plush Mikey Mouse toys in the tent that I had picked up for free at the transfer station. They developed some complex imaginary revolution game that involved asking if they could bury the toys in the dirt pile. At the time, I didn’t see any harm in allowing them to do that.

That was until, one of our littlest boys that week, saw what they were doing and became very, very, upset. Despite us assuring him that they were just old toys, he grew more and more tearful and angry and got to a place where things would have grown unsafe. We were able to keep the scenario from escalating, but we weren’t able to help him move past it. I hated to, but we all thought it best that he take a break from camp the rest of the morning and come back the next day, even though that wasn’t a fair solution based on the circumstances. In the meantime, I suspected, and I was right as confirmed by his mom, that Mickey is a very special character for him.

This is not something that a child needs to learn how to cope with. This is where the grown-ups step in and offer a protective bubble. I got rid of the Mickey toys that night, and when the kids asked for them the next day, we talked about caring about other people, and that sometimes, that requires us to make a small sacrifice on our part. That would be great if all kids understood that, but a few were upset that we had stopped that game for them and tried to make things a little difficult for the younger boy. Each time that occurred, I or one of my staff would physically put ourselves in a protective bubble position around him until we had all gotten past it (which didn’t take long).

Today we built an adult protective bubble around another younger boy who is a dinosaur expert. Two of the older boys are also well-versed in paleontology, and while you think this might be a great set-up, there was conflict about who was right or wrong about dinosaur facts. This was very upsetting to the younger boy, and while in this instance, I did weave in some coping strategies, at the same time, I did form a bubble around him to keep the other boys from creating a greater need to cope than the one we are already handling.

In most situations that pop up between kids, learning the ability to cope will help them build better relationships, become more resilient as they mature, and be able to navigate life when we aren’t available and protect themselves from bullies. At other times, we need to provide that protection for them.

One of the barriers to friendship that kids run into is their inability to recognize when their input or advice is not needed or wanted. 

An example. Two kids are playing a game of chess. The third child approaches and begins to tell the players what moves they should make or even moves the pieces on the board. This usually upsets the kids that are playing because they haven’t asked for help.

Another example. A couple of tweens are shooting hoops. A younger child comes along and gives a blow-by-blow of what they are doing wrong. One of the tweens becomes very upset with the unwanted criticism.

Both of these scenarios just happened in my summer program this week. What do we do to coach kids regarding this type of interaction? We define the difference between the actions of:

OBSERVING: This is almost always okay with the other kids who are playing something. Observing is done with your eyes, not with your mouth. For older kids, you can stretch it to how you can chat with other people while you are observing, but it needs to be a topic that is not unwanted advice.

HELPING: If the other kids ask for help, such as “I’m stuck on a move, do you have an idea? or “How does this piece move?” then, by all means, it’s perfectly okay to offer a suggestion or your knowledge.

INTERFERING: This is the one that causes problems. If you have not been asked your opinion, advice, or knowledge, then it is not helping, it is now interfering.

There are, of course, a multitude of other scenarios besides gameplay when we can apply this concept. I find gameplay interference one of the easiest ways to teach kids the difference.

If you are a parent of a child that has flamed out at a summer program this year, you are not at all alone. Kids who don’t make it in traditional summer settings typically present with a profile (such as ADHD) that while might be considered as falling under any special needs accommodations a program advertises, is not a profile that is well understood as a special need. The other side is that these kids don’t have the degree of support needs that children with other disabilities may have, so finding the right summer equation is not easy.

What would be easy, but is somewhat of a dream I may never see come true, is that we find ways to train adults and young counselors in programs and our schools that work with and teach our children, be aware of, watch for, and intervene in social hot spots.

The crux of social coaching is staying constantly in tune with what is going on as kids are interacting. It is especially important to keep the kids that we know can quickly light a social fire on our radar at all times. When my staff or I hear or just think we smell the spark of a conflict or problem, we alert each other that there is a hot spot and a potential friendship fire about to ignite. So many of these fires come from a misunderstanding that if caught in time, teaches kids to stop, drop, and roll with a situation. A few of the smoke signals that we need to look and listen for when kids are playing:

• Sounds of frustration. I ask myself when I am listening to kids that are playing if I am hearing a happy sound or one that is signaling social distress.
• Exchanges between kids that grow more heated without the kids solving it themselves.
• A child persistently saying, “Stop it!”
• Physical signs such as a child’s face reddening, fist clenching, or other signs of agitation or the inability to self-modulate.

The faster you respond, the better outcome you will have and a lit match doesn’t have to turn into a three-alarm blaze. Keeping your own temperature under control is also a vital component when you enter a social hot spot. Getting every side to the story, especially of the one child who responded poorly, helps build the trust these kids need to work with you and not against you.

Do I think every program should be designed to fit every child? No. That is not possible and we as parents realize that and know that our typical-but-not-typical fall-through-the-cracks kids have more limited options of environments where they will be truly understood. Do I think those limited options could increase by more of us carrying buckets of water into social hot spots and dousing them with listening, patience, understanding, and the right amount of loving firmness? Absolutely. 

One of my own social deficits that I have actively worked on over time is my penchant for interrupting other people. I know I do it, I don’t mean to, and I focus very hard on being aware of it and improving in this area.

When kids or people interrupt each other, it can be for a variety of different reasons:

• We are excited and interested in the topic of conversation;
• We have great ideas or input we want to share on the topic;
• We can relate something from one of our experiences to the topic;
• We may have attention or memory challenges and want to share the thought before we forget it;
• We lack skills in reading the room and responding to what is going on in the environment (interrupting other people’s conversations); and,
• Understanding the multiple and invisible facets of engaging in a conversation.

No one likes to be interrupted, but few of us know how to help the Interrupter-Sauras. Here are tips on helping your child become a better listener, knowing that being a good listener will attract people who want to be a friend.

• Describe it for what it is. *That* was interrupting. I need you to hold your thought until I’m finished with mine.
• Practice listening to someone *all the way through* until they are finished. It is not easy. When you begin to master this skill, you will see the pleasure that is experienced by the other person who hasn’t been interrupted.
• Help kids listen to fully understand, not just to form their own response.
• One of the tricks I use when someone else is speaking is to put my fingers on my lips to remind me to keep my mouth closed until they are finished.
• If I do catch myself interrupting someone, I say something to the effect of “Oops, I interrupted your thought. I didn’t mean to. Please go ahead.”
• Another way to describe interrupting is that we just *stepped on someone else’s words or story. Let’s let them finish.”
• If you lose your thought, you lose your thought. Sometimes it will come back when it’s your turn to talk, but it isn’t the end o the world if it doesn’t. 

Certainly, there is the opposite problem when you are talking to someone who speaks in run-on sentences and you can’t get your own thoughts or ideas involved in the conversation. In this instance, it’s okay to announce, “I need to interrupt for a minute, I have something to share.”

Supporting kids who struggle with the repercussions of being impulsive is one of the major social coaching themes here at the Center.

Impulsive kids are not able to think about their in-the-moment actions through to the results and outcomes. More often than not, these are negative and come as a surprise to the impulsive child. If we don’t help impulsive kids with support in place of constant reprimands, you will see them eventually give up and self-esteem sinks. They feel as though they can never get it right.

You can help a child work on managing their impulses by teaching them and reminding them to use the Three A’s:

Ask: Always ask before taking an action. (You can practice this by having your child ask permission for things as much as possible at first.)

Answer: Wait for it.

Accept: Accept the answer you are given, even if it isn’t the one you want.

Social coaching strategies such as this are never one-and-done. Just like multiplication or sight word drills, they need to be practiced over and over until they become memorized and automatic. We can’t give a child a strategy and tell them to go and use it, we need to provide reminders and support to use it, and provide lots of positive praise when they do.