Does Your Child Seem Young for Their Age?

Do you ever wonder why you find yourself thinking that your child seems young for their age?
You’re not imagining it — for many children, that feeling comes from a very real developmental difference.

Children who come for social coaching (some with profiles of ADHD or social communication challenges) often act in ways that make them appear younger than their same-age peers. At the same time, many of these children are intellectually advanced, cognitively strong, and genuinely bright.

So what’s going on?

Often, there is a gap between social-emotional development and cognitive development. One helpful way to think about this gap is as roughly one-third — not as a precise measurement, but as a useful lens. If you mentally subtract about one-third of a child’s chronological age, you may land closer to their current social-emotional developmental stage.

This can show up in different ways:

• A 4-year-old who still prefers parallel play rather than cooperative play
• An 11-year-old who enjoys toys or TV shows more typical of 8- or 9-year-olds
• A teenager who is academically ready for college but not emotionally ready for the independence it requires

A challenge for these children is that adult expectations are usually based on chronological age, not developmental age — especially when a child is bright or gifted in other areas. When expectations consistently exceed a child’s developmental capacity, self-esteem can take a hit. Over time, this can look like giving up, shutting down, or acting out.

This doesn’t mean children never meet higher expectations. It means that when they struggle, it can be helpful to pause and ask: Am I responding to their chronological age or their developmental age right now? Adjusting expectations up or down as needed can make a meaningful difference.

How do you close the gap? Through patient coaching, explicit skill-building, and — in some cases — medical support. Growth happens gradually, and support matters.

As the mom of a 36-year-old with ADHD who still needs about the same level of support as many young adults graduating college, I’ve come to believe that some people may always be a little young for their age. I joke — with some seriousness — that by the time he’s 45, we’ll be in great shape, as he’ll be developmentally 30.

Keep this “one-third” lens in mind when your child prefers younger playmates or engages in younger activities. There is often creativity, curiosity, and sensitivity there worth protecting. And honestly — who doesn’t wish their children could stay younger just a little longer? It keeps us young, too.