“Miss Donna, Do you know your teeth are two different colors? So, you’re not a natural blonde? Why are your arms so wrinkled and soft?” That one was a real OUCH! And to one of my co-leaders, “you have the biggest nostrils I have ever seen on a human.” These are just a few of the appearance comments I’ve heard over the many years of working with kids. I’ve grown a tough skin over time and understand these comments for what they are, spoken-aloud observations, and I’ve made peace with the fact that along with the aging process, comes a lot more patience and wisdom as a perk. Typically, these types of appearance comments come from kids on the spectrum. None of them have any hurtful intent. The problem from a social skills aspect is that the remarks can be hurtful, or can sound insulting, to the person whose appearance is being commented upon. What to do? It depends on the level of social understanding of the child or teen who makes these types of comments. Some of them need it to be very black and white, as in no appearance comments, ever, and explain that while it is completely understood that they are making observations and there is no ill intent, it is safe to say that almost ALL people are sensitive when it comes to comments about their physical appearance. Other kids can handle learning that they can feel free to comment on things that are external to someone’s physical appearance. Examples would be complimenting an outfit, a piece of jewelry, shoes, etc. And that’s only if they are truly complimenting someone. It is not okay to voice your opinion or observation on someone’s external look or fashion if you don’t like it and have nothing nice to say. It’s better to learn to say nothing at all. What if you are the recipient of a child or teen’s appearance comment? First, understand it for what it is, an observation. There is a distinct difference in the delivery between one of these comments or an obvious insult. These guys will sound very innocent and there will be no malice or intended hurt involved. But, the hurt can be real for the receiver, especially if it is a physical attribute we are already sensitive about or a new one brought to our attention. This is a perfect teaching opportunity, where you can say something such as, “I know that you are just making an observation about my _, but I am sensitive about that, and remarks about people’s appearance will accidentally and almost always hurt their feelings. It’s important for you to have good relationships for you to keep your observations about people’s physical appearance to yourself.” |
Archives for February 2022
We’re Going to Ignore That
If you have any parenting or teaching experience with a child who is attention-seeking, you know how frustrated you can feel and how quickly situations can escalate.
There are some children (please also insert teens and adults here), especially those kids with ADHD, who seem to have attention leaks. You can pour on the attention, and they still need more. You can think of these kids as attention-seeking missiles, and they will do anything in their power to raise the rate of attention directed their way. They have great difficulty in sharing attention with peers, other students, siblings, co-workers, etc.
Attention seekers also quickly figure out that negative attention is much easier to attain than positive attention. The type of interactions used to gain negative attention includes doing things that are deliberately annoying to other people, not listening or avoiding doing what they have been requested to do, and tantrums. In adults, this equates to picking arguments and creating drama.
The most powerful tool in your bag for attention-seeking is ignoring it, and then returning your attention in a positive way when the kid begins to act in the way we expect them to. I even tell kids that they can have my attention back as soon as they “act right.” This is easier said than done, because the atmosphere can be so volatile, and we try to reason with kids or command them to do what we need them to do. In school, we are also worrying about the other students in the class and how to deal with them while we are dealing with the attention-seeker.
I simply state it to the child and in my groups, to the other kids who are witnessing or being annoyed by the attention-seeker. I say to the child, “I’m ignoring that,” and I do. I say to the other kids, “We’re ignoring that, let’s keep doing what we’re doing.” Notice, that I am saying ignoring “that” which is what the child is doing to seek attention, not “you,” the child.
As soon as the child stops attention-seeking and makes a different choice, it is time to pour on the unconditional love and praise and immediately re-engage in giving loads of positive attention. Make sure to give it to siblings and any other children around the child as well, so that the attention-seeking child learns to share the attention when in a group situation.
Sure, it takes a little time to ignore and then praise, but in reality, we are spending just as much or more time dealing with negative attention-seeking.
It somewhat goes along with the old saying, “If you can’t think of anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” until the child seeks positive attention, and then say lots of nice things!
Coach or Comfort, but Resist Coddling
Coddling: treating in an indulgent or overprotective way.
Ouch. I’m guilty of coddling my sons. How many of us as parents can say the same? Nowadays, it might be known as being a helicopter parent (over-protective) or a lawnmower parent (mowing down obstacles in your kid’s path).
The problem with coddling kids is that we inadvertently assist them in developing learned helplessness instead of the skills they need to maneuver more independently and successfully through life.
This is even harder for us as parents when our children have special or specific needs of the invisible kind and we don’t know if we are making necessary accommodations or not holding them up to enough of an expectation. Ugh. I feel you on this. I myself am working on undoing some coddling damage with my own two adult sons while still trying to make sure that their challenges remain understood.
So, having learned some things since my sons were small, with the kids in my groups, I break down intervention and emotional support into either coaching or comforting, but not coddling.
Benji, a 12-year-old daredevil, likes a lot of sensory input when he’s here. He’s forever hanging from things, climbing things, or taking the saucer swing to the extreme. He’s consistently being coached on possible outcomes (getting hurt, mostly). He insists we needn’t worry. We continue to coach on the possibilities while allowing him some independence in his play choices.
There came a day when he did get a rather nasty rope burn and came to tears. It was not time for coaching and “you were warned about this” or “we told you this would happen,” but time for comforting a kid who needed it. Comforting looked like expressing empathy that “man, that’s gotta hurt” and providing first aid with clean-up and having him put a bandage on it. Coddling would have sounded and looked more like making a huge deal out of it and doing all the first aid for him.
Another child, 5-year-old Eddie, would frequently throw himself down on the ground (pretending he fell) and cry big crocodile tears. If we coddled this, he would continue to use it as an unacceptable tool for attention. Comfort, based on the slight chance he actually did have a minor fall that all kids have and the tears look real, would be acknowledging him with “Whoops! It looks like you are okay. Let’s stand up and brush it off so we can continue having fun (and demonstrate what brushing it off looks like).
Coaching this (when we are sure it is simply for attention) is not paying any attention to the pretend falling down or tears and saying “I’ll wait until you are ready to get up and play again.”
Below are the definitions of comfort and coach. Both offer us a way to support our kids without getting caught in the parent traps that we don’t realize when they are little, that coddling is bound to spring on us as they grow.
Comfort: the easing or alleviation of a person’s feelings of grief or distress.
Coach: to assist in unlocking a person’s potential to maximize their own performance.